Havent been sleeping well, since that day. I'm not sure if the worries have caused me to stay awake or that I have been sleeping irregularly. Everynight I would toss and turn till day break before I could fall asleep.
Last night I thought of granny. How I wish all these were just a dream. I can wake up and run to her again like a small girl. Run into her arms calling ah mah ah mah, I dun recall ever doing so. As a child, I was very definant. I talked back to her, I hated her when she scolded me. And now, I hate myself. Why? Why did I do that? Why did I do that? Why Why Why Why Why? How I wish I can turn back time? Please let me go back. Please. I will do better. I promise. I want to love her more. Please.
Tonight, I quarelled with him, I don't know why did I do that. I'm angry, i'm frustrated that knowing I'm unwell, he did not care about me, all he did was to call me, upteen times, to ask how am I feeling. I wasn't as ill as to be bed riden but I'm upset, with myself. When did I become like that? When did I let myself become like that? I lost all energy to do anything, I only want to waste time, rot at home, simply doing nothing, not going anyway, dun want to talk to anyone, just myself. I dun want anyone to care about me, I hate concern, my parents living with me, didn't even know if anything is happening to me. Everytime something happened to him, he will hide away, he will cry and I have to pacify him, his family has to pacify him. I'm sure this is my responsibility as a wife, but, how many times do I need to do this? The accident, it takes so long for him to move out of the shadow, even now, he kept mentioning it, then the exam, he took more than half a year to study for it, now glad that everything is over, just as I thought, just as I thought we can sit and plan on our matters, things have to happen again. One bigger than the other. It's like a test heaven put on me, asking, hey when are you going to give up? I'm tired, I feel like running away from all these too. I see my friends getting married, married, pregnant, everyone seems to be happy with their life but why is mine always laden with problems, one after another, one bigger than another? If I'm the jinx, I would rather let you go, I would not love again, I dun want to go on hoping and waiting. The feeling is terrible. I would rather tell myself there is no more hope, and stop pinning and waiting. Waiting is lethal. I feel myself drowning. I dunno how long more can I lend you my support. I really need you to stand up and protect me, not the vice versa. I hate this feeling. I hate whatever I am going through. Yes, we pray and pray, we wait in misery. If it's a good ending, yes, it ends here, if it's a bad one? How long more this have to go on? How long more must I live in guilt and misery with you? I am badly affected by this and I can't move on. I feel sad, I feel clastrophobic. My friends are too busy to accompany me, sister has to attend school, my parents won't care more, and you hid at home. You are not at fault, I know, you feel guilty, yes you must, it's your mistake and everyone makes mistake, so you are not at fault. But I dun understand is it that whenever you make a mistake you must live in guilt, torture yourself, coop at home, then it means that you know you are in the wrong and you repent.
I dunno. I dun wish to comment. I'm not like you. All I think and know is play. I feel like dying because there is nothing in this world that I pin my hope on. I hate life because my life is stuck here, I can't move on, I can't move on. I step and I fall, everyone esle moved on, and I stay. Every relationship, you bound to make me fail because of money. No money can't get marry, so you make it that we forever can't save up to get married, why not you just kill me, isn't that faster?
As I am writing this, mum is cursing away at me and my sis. I really don't understand why mum wanted to have us in the first place. She's always cursing us getting retribution, and all sorts of bad ways. Yesterday was her off day, all she did the whole day was to watch DVD, refused to cook, refused to do any housework. I saw my dad rushing through all these right after work. He cooked dinner quickly, put the clothes to wash, then iron clothes, then wash the pots and dishes. He said mum and him will go have dinner later but we forced him to eat some of the rice first, knowing mum's habits. Indeed, the dinner never came, she bathed, suggested to stay home for dinner, make dad cook porridge then went back to watch DVD. They stayed in the room and only until 11pm when sis came back and asked them to eat, then she stopped. Mind you, dad has a history of gastric ulcer. WHEN IS SHE GOING TO STOP??????????????????? I feel like smashing the TV into pieces. If anything is to happen to dad, I will leave this family immediately, leave her to suffer. I dun need a mother who is not fit to be. All she knew is to work and earn money! She said that she's tired after work, you mean dad is not tired? She forced him to go out late, watch DVD until wee hours, wake him up to switch off the light and tv for her. I cant stand her anymore! All I can do is to watch dad suffers.
All of these are getting to me, I really feel depressed, I really feel depressed. I feel like dying, my life is stuck here, all these are changing me, I really hate everything. I only want granny, I only want granny. Let me go .............................................................................................................................................................................................
I really need you to be by my side, and yet, I can only put up a strong front to avoid being a burden to you. I dunno how long I can last.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
The end of the world
According to the Mayan prophecy, 2012 will be the end of the existing world. The beginning of a new world age reads December 21, 2012.
Is this real?
I watched the movie "2012", today, 23.35 at Downtown East. "2012" is an epic adventure about a global cataclysm that brings an end to the world and tells of the heroic struggle of the survivors (2012, official movie site).
The movie sparked fears and grieve in me. Fear of losing my loved ones, fear of losing time that I can spend with him, grieve over human's death and separation. It may be people with no acquaintance, but that's the compassion works of God in human kind. We feel for each other.
I wanted to cry. I feel like crying. I'm not sure where this feeling comes from, after all, it's just another successful movie, isn't it?
Perhaps I won't even live to see the end of it, even if it's real. Life is such a way, unpredictable and unkind. We seek mercy in every ways possible. Pessimistic, maybe, but I had too many regrets, too many mintutes late. "If only"/ "Undo" is not going to happen in reality.
Saying goes, take each day as if its the last, yes, we shall, live each day to its fullest, yes, we shall. I'm sure that's not the first you have heard of this, and won't be the last. But, how many of us can really do that? I jumped at every opportunity to tell my loved ones, that I love them, afraid that I might not have another chance. But there are too many a time that I lost my temper at them, hurting them with words that I don't actually meant.
As Asians, most kept their affections in their heart, rarely did our parents mentioned how much they love us, but we know they do, and vice versa. I remembered at Granny's death bed, the last day I had with her, I told her I love her, I always did, she was my life. She was unconscious, under the effect of Morphine, to relieve her of the pain. I'm not sure if she heard me, I was holding on to her left hand, I saw her brows furrowed. By saying so, I do not mean empty talk. It would be again be pointless, to tell someone how much you love him/her, and not doing so in action. Affection should still comes from within and the bottom of your heart. Say it when you mean it, don't be surprise, don't assume that he/she will know your feelings if you ain't going to physically say it.
To Alex, I love you. Thank you for loving me, for paying attention to every little details of my life, for giving me your precious time and effort, for your patience with my nonsense, for taking me as your wife. I will be where you are. If it's the end of time, I want to be with you. We met when I was about to give up, there you are, giving me courage and beliefs in love, and filling my picture with vibrant and joy. Taking my hand, walking with me, supporting me, listening to me - you gave me wings. Remember our magic? That's how we knew... we were meant for each other, the missing piece of our life.
Is this real?
I watched the movie "2012", today, 23.35 at Downtown East. "2012" is an epic adventure about a global cataclysm that brings an end to the world and tells of the heroic struggle of the survivors (2012, official movie site).
The movie sparked fears and grieve in me. Fear of losing my loved ones, fear of losing time that I can spend with him, grieve over human's death and separation. It may be people with no acquaintance, but that's the compassion works of God in human kind. We feel for each other.
I wanted to cry. I feel like crying. I'm not sure where this feeling comes from, after all, it's just another successful movie, isn't it?
Perhaps I won't even live to see the end of it, even if it's real. Life is such a way, unpredictable and unkind. We seek mercy in every ways possible. Pessimistic, maybe, but I had too many regrets, too many mintutes late. "If only"/ "Undo" is not going to happen in reality.
Saying goes, take each day as if its the last, yes, we shall, live each day to its fullest, yes, we shall. I'm sure that's not the first you have heard of this, and won't be the last. But, how many of us can really do that? I jumped at every opportunity to tell my loved ones, that I love them, afraid that I might not have another chance. But there are too many a time that I lost my temper at them, hurting them with words that I don't actually meant.
As Asians, most kept their affections in their heart, rarely did our parents mentioned how much they love us, but we know they do, and vice versa. I remembered at Granny's death bed, the last day I had with her, I told her I love her, I always did, she was my life. She was unconscious, under the effect of Morphine, to relieve her of the pain. I'm not sure if she heard me, I was holding on to her left hand, I saw her brows furrowed. By saying so, I do not mean empty talk. It would be again be pointless, to tell someone how much you love him/her, and not doing so in action. Affection should still comes from within and the bottom of your heart. Say it when you mean it, don't be surprise, don't assume that he/she will know your feelings if you ain't going to physically say it.
To Alex, I love you. Thank you for loving me, for paying attention to every little details of my life, for giving me your precious time and effort, for your patience with my nonsense, for taking me as your wife. I will be where you are. If it's the end of time, I want to be with you. We met when I was about to give up, there you are, giving me courage and beliefs in love, and filling my picture with vibrant and joy. Taking my hand, walking with me, supporting me, listening to me - you gave me wings. Remember our magic? That's how we knew... we were meant for each other, the missing piece of our life.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Friday the 13th (cont)
Well, the unlucky charm continues...
Was called in for a "talk" again. This time round with the stump and the clown. I let out all my frustration on the stump, he even denied that he mentioned "I am going to take it that you have lost interest in the job that's why you resigned." THE! Does he has amnesia or what?
Fine, after telling them the frustration of having different instructions from different bosses and the difficulty with the department's procurement, they blame it all at the Finance Dept. Goodness, that's why they never moved on.
I was given the opportunity for early release and I took it.. but god knows how long are they going to process the request. There's 2 more weeks to go... Hurry!
Basically, coming in to the office everyday and facebooked isn't going anywhere, might as well take an early release, good for both parties. Har, I couldn't care anymore.
Friday the 13th, enough of you.
Was called in for a "talk" again. This time round with the stump and the clown. I let out all my frustration on the stump, he even denied that he mentioned "I am going to take it that you have lost interest in the job that's why you resigned." THE! Does he has amnesia or what?
Fine, after telling them the frustration of having different instructions from different bosses and the difficulty with the department's procurement, they blame it all at the Finance Dept. Goodness, that's why they never moved on.
I was given the opportunity for early release and I took it.. but god knows how long are they going to process the request. There's 2 more weeks to go... Hurry!
Basically, coming in to the office everyday and facebooked isn't going anywhere, might as well take an early release, good for both parties. Har, I couldn't care anymore.
Friday the 13th, enough of you.
Friday the 13th
Friday the 13th has always been kind to me, except for today.
Arrived at work damn late to start with. There were like 3 idiots that poped out in front of me in queue for cab, wait, is there even a queue then? And worst, 15mins passed, no available cab in sight. They were either "On Call", "Busy" or "Hired". I almost wanted to go over and slap the last girl in her face. These pple has really thick skin, first they jumped queue, ignored pple who has alr been waiting for eons, and then put up an arrogance look that read: What's wrong with you? Of course, there's something wrong, not with me but YOU, BITCH! Aw! Finally, I have to call for a cab. Then guess what? This woman hired the cab (Plate: 2285) I ordered, right in front of my eyes. The driver did not even bother to check if she's the one who has called for the cab. It turned out that she has ordered for a cab as well, and I have to board hers aft explaining to the driver what has happened. The Bi*ch is known as Junie and the driver (of the cab I took) referred to this type of customer as SHIT. Well?
Something to ponder.. Is cab a form of public transport? If they are, why are they always using the cab for personal uses?
At work, I have to be haunted by noise pollution. A meeting was going on, a total waste of time and it went on for 2 hours. That irritating voice of the not-so-impt Deputy Director, he kept going "I can show you the email, you know, I keep a record of emails from the past half a year, harg harg harg" Laughing to himself. Big Deal? More like a clown to me, who cares about him? Always meddling in other dept's events, talk big and we have to do the shit, only to find out in the end that our dept was not even invited to participate. CLOWN! Not forgetting the BIG STUMP, bad-mouthed me again and I will put a curse potion on you!
What will the dept turn out to be, when it was led by a CLOWN & a BIG STUMP? Need I explain myself?
Arrived at work damn late to start with. There were like 3 idiots that poped out in front of me in queue for cab, wait, is there even a queue then? And worst, 15mins passed, no available cab in sight. They were either "On Call", "Busy" or "Hired". I almost wanted to go over and slap the last girl in her face. These pple has really thick skin, first they jumped queue, ignored pple who has alr been waiting for eons, and then put up an arrogance look that read: What's wrong with you? Of course, there's something wrong, not with me but YOU, BITCH! Aw! Finally, I have to call for a cab. Then guess what? This woman hired the cab (Plate: 2285) I ordered, right in front of my eyes. The driver did not even bother to check if she's the one who has called for the cab. It turned out that she has ordered for a cab as well, and I have to board hers aft explaining to the driver what has happened. The Bi*ch is known as Junie and the driver (of the cab I took) referred to this type of customer as SHIT. Well?
Something to ponder.. Is cab a form of public transport? If they are, why are they always using the cab for personal uses?
At work, I have to be haunted by noise pollution. A meeting was going on, a total waste of time and it went on for 2 hours. That irritating voice of the not-so-impt Deputy Director, he kept going "I can show you the email, you know, I keep a record of emails from the past half a year, harg harg harg" Laughing to himself. Big Deal? More like a clown to me, who cares about him? Always meddling in other dept's events, talk big and we have to do the shit, only to find out in the end that our dept was not even invited to participate. CLOWN! Not forgetting the BIG STUMP, bad-mouthed me again and I will put a curse potion on you!
What will the dept turn out to be, when it was led by a CLOWN & a BIG STUMP? Need I explain myself?
Friday, October 23, 2009
Old photos, old memories, new feelings.
This Friday, we spent time looking thru old photos. Time where everyone was around, time where everyone looked happy, smiled like a family, closed like one.
I can't help feeling the loss, of a loved one. In fact, two. Two impt members of the family, the once closely knitted family. There was a reason for everyone to gather, there were festivals, there were love. Now, I'm not quite sure, well, we lost the spirit at least. Festivals no longer feel like it, yes, we still gather but more of fomality. There's a certain tension btw we know who, you cant blame us. We only see each other less than 10 times a year.
I made a promise to my granny and I held my promise always, unless i'm bed ridden, else rain or shine, I will visit my aunt weekly. I hold on to my promise stubbornly cause this is probably the only one that I can manage to uphold. No one shall stand in my way, after all, it's the only time I unwind, a home I can fall on to, where I take off my mask and freely be me, where I can be ugly and still loved, where I can be like an angel.
I pray, I prayed to God, for God to hear my prayers, Please DON'T DON'T ever take anyone away from me again. There is so much I can take it, the fear, the loss, for 3 years have not leave me for one single day. If there is a need for someone to go, may that be me. My dear family, forgive me for my selfishness in this.
Last note, for others, a family may only consist of dad, mum and siblings. I'm glad to announce to all that MY FAMILY consists of all, grandparent, dad, mum, sister, aunts, uncles, cousins, closely knitted as once, thou we may drift now, but we will always be one, and this is something that I will always be proud of.
I may have pimples, poor skin, fat figure, lousy hair, but I have love that not many possess, love from a wonderful family.
Looking back, I regretted my life has turned out this way, it was all rosy and nice, why did I let it turn out this way. Thou it's almost impossible but I wish I could turn back time, I promise, I will live life better this time. Even if not so, pls let me have just one more time, one more hug from granny, just one, please. I would willingly give up 10 years of my life for just that one more hug, the photos and memories hurt me, it's so much that you needed to feel the person, the warmth, the touch, just once more.
I can't help feeling the loss, of a loved one. In fact, two. Two impt members of the family, the once closely knitted family. There was a reason for everyone to gather, there were festivals, there were love. Now, I'm not quite sure, well, we lost the spirit at least. Festivals no longer feel like it, yes, we still gather but more of fomality. There's a certain tension btw we know who, you cant blame us. We only see each other less than 10 times a year.
I made a promise to my granny and I held my promise always, unless i'm bed ridden, else rain or shine, I will visit my aunt weekly. I hold on to my promise stubbornly cause this is probably the only one that I can manage to uphold. No one shall stand in my way, after all, it's the only time I unwind, a home I can fall on to, where I take off my mask and freely be me, where I can be ugly and still loved, where I can be like an angel.
I pray, I prayed to God, for God to hear my prayers, Please DON'T DON'T ever take anyone away from me again. There is so much I can take it, the fear, the loss, for 3 years have not leave me for one single day. If there is a need for someone to go, may that be me. My dear family, forgive me for my selfishness in this.
Last note, for others, a family may only consist of dad, mum and siblings. I'm glad to announce to all that MY FAMILY consists of all, grandparent, dad, mum, sister, aunts, uncles, cousins, closely knitted as once, thou we may drift now, but we will always be one, and this is something that I will always be proud of.
I may have pimples, poor skin, fat figure, lousy hair, but I have love that not many possess, love from a wonderful family.
Looking back, I regretted my life has turned out this way, it was all rosy and nice, why did I let it turn out this way. Thou it's almost impossible but I wish I could turn back time, I promise, I will live life better this time. Even if not so, pls let me have just one more time, one more hug from granny, just one, please. I would willingly give up 10 years of my life for just that one more hug, the photos and memories hurt me, it's so much that you needed to feel the person, the warmth, the touch, just once more.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Spooky or Magical
I ran thru my thoughts in bath and invented a story made up of various scenes from TV from my walks..da da da..
The story goes like I was teaching and after school, walking home from school. On my way, on the connecting bridge my tummy hurts, I was pregnant and the contractions were coming in waves, baby was coming. I shouted for help, wave frantically at the passing by vehicles, no one, no one saw me. There one of my stu saw me, Jenson, he immediately ordered daddy to pull over but daddy refused. He explained that he saw his teacher, Mrs Soon, me in pain, and that I'm pregnant, he wanted to help. Daddy attempted to drive faster, telling him to mind his own business. Their fight woke mummy who was sound asleep in the rear. The vehicle came to stop at the traffic light, Jenson undid his safety belt and came for me, with mummy running behind him.
"I'm glad you came back for me" I quickly instructed him to pick up and cell phone which I have earlier dropped while trying to make a call for the ambulance. He did as told and dial 911 (which is weird, it's 995 in singapore for the ambulance). The paramedics told him that they will be reaching in 2 mins time. They were already patrolling the area trying to find me, as my call for help was unfinished and the location weren't mentioned.
The paramedics were here and I gave birth to a baby girl in the ambulance.
I am grateful to Jenson, if not for him, I would have died.
I am lying on my bed with Jenson by my side, looking really worried. I assured him that all is well, and have him named my girl. He said Jane, or Jamie, then quickly ask for my opinion. I see that he wanted a name starting with "J". I suggested Jade, which I can incoporate into her chinese name, yu ting, yu ling, ting yu.. da.da.da.. Jenson liked my suggestion and added that he save my girl and now he named my girl, perhaps he would marry my girl in the future...
My thots wonder...
If I were to have a son later on, what should I name him? Yu Jie (sounds tad like a girls' name), Yu shu... hmmm..
I finished my bath, went to my room, turn on the radio.. and on YES 93.3, Chong Qing just answered someone's call. The caller was Yu Jie. YU JIE!!! Deja Vu. Spooky. And as the conversation goes on, Chong Qing admitted that he did thought that this is a girl's name.
Goodness me. What can I say?
I can read the future. Coincidence seems too minor for such.
The story goes like I was teaching and after school, walking home from school. On my way, on the connecting bridge my tummy hurts, I was pregnant and the contractions were coming in waves, baby was coming. I shouted for help, wave frantically at the passing by vehicles, no one, no one saw me. There one of my stu saw me, Jenson, he immediately ordered daddy to pull over but daddy refused. He explained that he saw his teacher, Mrs Soon, me in pain, and that I'm pregnant, he wanted to help. Daddy attempted to drive faster, telling him to mind his own business. Their fight woke mummy who was sound asleep in the rear. The vehicle came to stop at the traffic light, Jenson undid his safety belt and came for me, with mummy running behind him.
"I'm glad you came back for me" I quickly instructed him to pick up and cell phone which I have earlier dropped while trying to make a call for the ambulance. He did as told and dial 911 (which is weird, it's 995 in singapore for the ambulance). The paramedics told him that they will be reaching in 2 mins time. They were already patrolling the area trying to find me, as my call for help was unfinished and the location weren't mentioned.
The paramedics were here and I gave birth to a baby girl in the ambulance.
I am grateful to Jenson, if not for him, I would have died.
I am lying on my bed with Jenson by my side, looking really worried. I assured him that all is well, and have him named my girl. He said Jane, or Jamie, then quickly ask for my opinion. I see that he wanted a name starting with "J". I suggested Jade, which I can incoporate into her chinese name, yu ting, yu ling, ting yu.. da.da.da.. Jenson liked my suggestion and added that he save my girl and now he named my girl, perhaps he would marry my girl in the future...
My thots wonder...
If I were to have a son later on, what should I name him? Yu Jie (sounds tad like a girls' name), Yu shu... hmmm..
I finished my bath, went to my room, turn on the radio.. and on YES 93.3, Chong Qing just answered someone's call. The caller was Yu Jie. YU JIE!!! Deja Vu. Spooky. And as the conversation goes on, Chong Qing admitted that he did thought that this is a girl's name.
Goodness me. What can I say?
I can read the future. Coincidence seems too minor for such.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
My World is collapsing
Yes, luckily I still have your love.
Work has been crazy, I dun know how to discribe it, working in a govt organisation, Eeks! Endless procedures & meetings, aimless conversation, overview, skeletons, minutes of meeting, emails, tai-chi, well what can I say.
I am trying to purchase a rental photocopier, for 3 days, and counting. Countless calls I have made but 0 answers. Everyone can only bother to inform me what I just found out to be the last step of the procedure. Goodness, I'm only here for close to a month, can they talk sense?
No wonder and no joke that's the favourite Tai-Chi that they practiced. And one month into it, I start to hate this place. Yes, I used the word Hate.
I love the environment I'm in, an office for myself, by myself. But perhaps, that's about it. Oh, maybe the work hours too. I get to see and feel sunlight! Woopi!
Thots of resignation filled me by half, shaken by the Challenge. Before claiming the chickened out title, I would like to add, there's no one to guide you along, and thou there are many procedures hanging in the air, yes, in the air, cause none of them set in. Pple trying their best to side track and do short cuts. Proper procedures I would say is to have something pen in black and white from A to Z, like a dummy guide, please dun assume that everyone who steps into this place knows A to X and you only supply the minimal Y & Z. It's scary and frustrating. And the BIG-est problem is... I can't bring myself to resign, after all, the colleagues and bosses (erm) here rather nice, and they have spend time going thru work and stuffs with me... I wasted their time. Others were all telling me how good the job is, the career prospect of a senior officer blah blah blah.. I didn't dare to tell, but I'm not an ambitious person, at least I would say, I rather prefer a normal admin position, seriously. Lastly, I HATE MINUTES!!! If only I could scream this out loud. AHHHHHHH!
Work has been crazy, I dun know how to discribe it, working in a govt organisation, Eeks! Endless procedures & meetings, aimless conversation, overview, skeletons, minutes of meeting, emails, tai-chi, well what can I say.
I am trying to purchase a rental photocopier, for 3 days, and counting. Countless calls I have made but 0 answers. Everyone can only bother to inform me what I just found out to be the last step of the procedure. Goodness, I'm only here for close to a month, can they talk sense?
No wonder and no joke that's the favourite Tai-Chi that they practiced. And one month into it, I start to hate this place. Yes, I used the word Hate.
I love the environment I'm in, an office for myself, by myself. But perhaps, that's about it. Oh, maybe the work hours too. I get to see and feel sunlight! Woopi!
Thots of resignation filled me by half, shaken by the Challenge. Before claiming the chickened out title, I would like to add, there's no one to guide you along, and thou there are many procedures hanging in the air, yes, in the air, cause none of them set in. Pple trying their best to side track and do short cuts. Proper procedures I would say is to have something pen in black and white from A to Z, like a dummy guide, please dun assume that everyone who steps into this place knows A to X and you only supply the minimal Y & Z. It's scary and frustrating. And the BIG-est problem is... I can't bring myself to resign, after all, the colleagues and bosses (erm) here rather nice, and they have spend time going thru work and stuffs with me... I wasted their time. Others were all telling me how good the job is, the career prospect of a senior officer blah blah blah.. I didn't dare to tell, but I'm not an ambitious person, at least I would say, I rather prefer a normal admin position, seriously. Lastly, I HATE MINUTES!!! If only I could scream this out loud. AHHHHHHH!
Ah, till here, off for lunch and thank God it's Friday, the day I looked forward to eagerly.
PS: Can't it be decided and written on our birth cert what job are we suppose to embark on which day and year, can't we be programmed like robots do? Since they have already pre-determined so much of our life - looks, life span, family, wealth and health. Humans are given choices, a bit too many, but yet decision making is not a born capability, it has to be a skill you pick up from a classroom. Great.
DA angry WITCH
PS: Can't it be decided and written on our birth cert what job are we suppose to embark on which day and year, can't we be programmed like robots do? Since they have already pre-determined so much of our life - looks, life span, family, wealth and health. Humans are given choices, a bit too many, but yet decision making is not a born capability, it has to be a skill you pick up from a classroom. Great.
DA angry WITCH
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Someone seems familiar
I hate coincidence, so unpredictable and controllable.
We met her, someone I wanted to see, and yet felt uneasy and unhappy after seeing. I wanted to see how she looks like in real, what kind of girl you like, how much you feel seeing her again, perhaps it's jealousy.
She hurt you but there was no hatred in your eyes, I dislike your kindness in this way. The way you turn back and looked at her, twice in fact, the way you get excited when I mentioned that fact that there's someone that looked like her. The way you protected her when I said to go back there, you said, why do I have to make everyone feel awkward.
It's not that I dun trust you, but your reactions and view to things or situations were beyond my understanding. When there's hatred suppose to be, you don't, but when a small issue occurs, you pursue with great anger. How difficult to understand.
I wish all ex(s) will disappear from each others' world. I hate this constant fear and what do I fear, of losing I guess. I like to win or is it the works of my inferior complex again. What am I but a fat pimpled face.
We met her, someone I wanted to see, and yet felt uneasy and unhappy after seeing. I wanted to see how she looks like in real, what kind of girl you like, how much you feel seeing her again, perhaps it's jealousy.
She hurt you but there was no hatred in your eyes, I dislike your kindness in this way. The way you turn back and looked at her, twice in fact, the way you get excited when I mentioned that fact that there's someone that looked like her. The way you protected her when I said to go back there, you said, why do I have to make everyone feel awkward.
It's not that I dun trust you, but your reactions and view to things or situations were beyond my understanding. When there's hatred suppose to be, you don't, but when a small issue occurs, you pursue with great anger. How difficult to understand.
I wish all ex(s) will disappear from each others' world. I hate this constant fear and what do I fear, of losing I guess. I like to win or is it the works of my inferior complex again. What am I but a fat pimpled face.
New position
Standing in a new position, in a new environment, I felt lost. As if words were foreign, pple were from space. A different culture, different terms.
The first few days were waiting, something I hate so much to do. Nothing else, but surfing the web, and looking at walls. Watching time goes by, tick tock tick tock, sounded like misery.
When work comes in, I feared as instruction sounded gibberish. Often, my mind difted off on its own, to a world where skies are blue and clouds are fluffy. I attempt to hold it back, missing already half the conversation. My eyes tried hard to stay focus, to stay open in fact, no amount of rest seems sufficient.
Come Friday, I thanked God. Finally, it's time for a break, not from stress, cause there hardly is, but from someone I tried hard to be. Yes, time whereby I can remove the mask, and my loads, to rest.
The first few days were waiting, something I hate so much to do. Nothing else, but surfing the web, and looking at walls. Watching time goes by, tick tock tick tock, sounded like misery.
When work comes in, I feared as instruction sounded gibberish. Often, my mind difted off on its own, to a world where skies are blue and clouds are fluffy. I attempt to hold it back, missing already half the conversation. My eyes tried hard to stay focus, to stay open in fact, no amount of rest seems sufficient.
Come Friday, I thanked God. Finally, it's time for a break, not from stress, cause there hardly is, but from someone I tried hard to be. Yes, time whereby I can remove the mask, and my loads, to rest.
The downside of love
Unhappy. Very.
How much I envy of others with long weekends, dun get me wrong, I have the equivalent time too, minus the relaxation and enjoyment. Perhaps some may choose to travel, some may lie on a beach watching time go by, some may fly a kite, some may go for a swim or perhaps a walk. Me? 3 days of staying home, nothing meaningful, feel like a total waste of time. Time feels short, thou it's a good 3 days worth.
I wanted to go out too. Wanted to go under the sun, wanted to do some exercise (my body feels so stiff :( ), but there's nothing I can do, other than wait wait and wait. Another one whole month to go, perhaps when you're done, I'll be gone. I can choose, why not, i can choose to be selfish, wake you up in the morning regardless you have rested enough or not, ask you to go out with me regardless if you have studied or not, ask you to choose to stay in base regardless you like it or not, but I cant bring myself to do it, if I do, what difference do I make comparing to her or to woman I despise.
I guess this happens when your brain does NOT align with your heart. I want to get out. I want sunlight. I want fun.
How much I envy of others with long weekends, dun get me wrong, I have the equivalent time too, minus the relaxation and enjoyment. Perhaps some may choose to travel, some may lie on a beach watching time go by, some may fly a kite, some may go for a swim or perhaps a walk. Me? 3 days of staying home, nothing meaningful, feel like a total waste of time. Time feels short, thou it's a good 3 days worth.
I wanted to go out too. Wanted to go under the sun, wanted to do some exercise (my body feels so stiff :( ), but there's nothing I can do, other than wait wait and wait. Another one whole month to go, perhaps when you're done, I'll be gone. I can choose, why not, i can choose to be selfish, wake you up in the morning regardless you have rested enough or not, ask you to go out with me regardless if you have studied or not, ask you to choose to stay in base regardless you like it or not, but I cant bring myself to do it, if I do, what difference do I make comparing to her or to woman I despise.
I guess this happens when your brain does NOT align with your heart. I want to get out. I want sunlight. I want fun.
Monday, August 24, 2009
A difficult choice
Facing the difficult cross road again. I resigned from my current position and tonnes of problems slapped me in the face. Am I happier now? I doubt my answer, but I can't bring myself to work in that horrified place again, ever.
To make a choice for teaching or the management support position that were offered: it bothers me, alot. One wrong move and that's it. Lesser risk: Management support, Higher risk: Teach. One is of which I have been doing and yet tired of doing, the other is what I have been thinking of doing and yet now in a dillema, afterall doing and thinking of doing is a very different issue. Will I make it? I guess most imptly, I dun know what I really want.
I am not a person who sees far, perhaps tmrl or next week is the furthest.
I can't help but kept asking around for what's the best. Hoping someone could decide that for me. Most said less stressful = MSO, more meaningful = teaching. To me, well, that wasn't the answer.
I knew he wanted me to teach, I could see his expression when he said I already chose the management support position. Yet, I know whatever decision I make, he will be behind me, supporting me.
i'm worried... what if the letter never comes and I have already rejected the MSO position? Ah.. I hate that. Can the relevant authority act just abit faster?
hmmm....
To make a choice for teaching or the management support position that were offered: it bothers me, alot. One wrong move and that's it. Lesser risk: Management support, Higher risk: Teach. One is of which I have been doing and yet tired of doing, the other is what I have been thinking of doing and yet now in a dillema, afterall doing and thinking of doing is a very different issue. Will I make it? I guess most imptly, I dun know what I really want.
I am not a person who sees far, perhaps tmrl or next week is the furthest.
I can't help but kept asking around for what's the best. Hoping someone could decide that for me. Most said less stressful = MSO, more meaningful = teaching. To me, well, that wasn't the answer.
I knew he wanted me to teach, I could see his expression when he said I already chose the management support position. Yet, I know whatever decision I make, he will be behind me, supporting me.
i'm worried... what if the letter never comes and I have already rejected the MSO position? Ah.. I hate that. Can the relevant authority act just abit faster?
hmmm....
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Bliss
3 months from my last post...
Then I was single and available. Now? I'm happily engaged.
I simply love July, how can I not? Everything just magically sits in place, like as if my fairy god mother has just waved her wand to send me the best presents she can offer - a man who loves me truly and who is willing to spend his life with me as his wife, and of course lovely gifts of love from my loved ones.
Har.. my life is all about love, love, love... Woo! How I wish that's all about it. Well, there's always a small little devil right at the back of my mind, reminding me of the cruel reality, the dollar sign $$$. With marriage plans in the air, it's all about money. There's just so much to do that we have no idea where to start. I wanted something simple, it has all along to me, an affair for two. But apparently, it isn't so. Parents' feelings come into place, a bit and way too often. How I wish one day I can live carefreely my own dream and my own decision. How did others do it, I wonder? How did they threw everything behind and flew to another home for good? Is there nothing that kept them back or there is just more to look forward to? Is it time that I lead my life? But it boils down to love, if my life is about love... I love my daddy too.. I would like to stay, at least close, within the proximity to know that he's safe and happy, I can't care less, afterall, he is a man who chose to spend his life and time on this family, his wife and his daughters. A man whom my granny have asked for me to look after and I will, even at the cost of my life.
Well, my love, we will work something out like we always did, won't we? Something that everyone is truly happy with.
Yeah, for now, I'm blissful!
Then I was single and available. Now? I'm happily engaged.
I simply love July, how can I not? Everything just magically sits in place, like as if my fairy god mother has just waved her wand to send me the best presents she can offer - a man who loves me truly and who is willing to spend his life with me as his wife, and of course lovely gifts of love from my loved ones.
Har.. my life is all about love, love, love... Woo! How I wish that's all about it. Well, there's always a small little devil right at the back of my mind, reminding me of the cruel reality, the dollar sign $$$. With marriage plans in the air, it's all about money. There's just so much to do that we have no idea where to start. I wanted something simple, it has all along to me, an affair for two. But apparently, it isn't so. Parents' feelings come into place, a bit and way too often. How I wish one day I can live carefreely my own dream and my own decision. How did others do it, I wonder? How did they threw everything behind and flew to another home for good? Is there nothing that kept them back or there is just more to look forward to? Is it time that I lead my life? But it boils down to love, if my life is about love... I love my daddy too.. I would like to stay, at least close, within the proximity to know that he's safe and happy, I can't care less, afterall, he is a man who chose to spend his life and time on this family, his wife and his daughters. A man whom my granny have asked for me to look after and I will, even at the cost of my life.
Well, my love, we will work something out like we always did, won't we? Something that everyone is truly happy with.
Yeah, for now, I'm blissful!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
American Idol 2009
I love Adam Lambert! He rocks!
If you had prev asked me about American Idol, for sure, I would tell you that i'm not the least interested.
Until I saw Adam's performances... WOW! Am so so so attracted to this guy, such a beautiful and special character with that superb voice.
He totally blown me away, I would listen to his songs over and over again. You could literally feel the emotions in his songs, so well portrayed. And of course, his charming originality in songs arrangement and that spectacular stage performance.
No matter ultimately he gets crowned the American Idol or not, he's already one!
Thursday, April 9, 2009
How sweet it is to be loved by thee
A tribute to thee:
How sweet it is to be loved by you - James Taylor
How sweet it is to be loved by you
How sweet it is to be loved by you
I needed the shelter of someone's arms and there you were
I needed someone to understand my ups and downsand there you were
With sweet love and devotiondeeply touching my emotion
I want to stop and thank you baby
I just want to stop and thank you baby
How sweet it is to be loved by you
How sweet it is to be loved by you
I close my eyes at night,wondering where would I be without you in my life
Everything I did was just a bore,
everywhere I went it seems I'd been there before
But you brightened up for me all of my days
With a love so sweet in so many ways
I want to stop and thank you baby
I want to stop and thank you baby
How sweet it is to be loved by you
How sweet it is to be loved by you
You were better to me than I've been to myself
For me, there's you and there ain't nobody else
I want to stop and thank you baby
I just want to stop and thank you baby
How sweet it is to be loved by you
How sweet it is to be loved by you
How sweet it is to be loved by you - James Taylor
How sweet it is to be loved by you
How sweet it is to be loved by you
I needed the shelter of someone's arms and there you were
I needed someone to understand my ups and downsand there you were
With sweet love and devotiondeeply touching my emotion
I want to stop and thank you baby
I just want to stop and thank you baby
How sweet it is to be loved by you
How sweet it is to be loved by you
I close my eyes at night,wondering where would I be without you in my life
Everything I did was just a bore,
everywhere I went it seems I'd been there before
But you brightened up for me all of my days
With a love so sweet in so many ways
I want to stop and thank you baby
I want to stop and thank you baby
How sweet it is to be loved by you
How sweet it is to be loved by you
You were better to me than I've been to myself
For me, there's you and there ain't nobody else
I want to stop and thank you baby
I just want to stop and thank you baby
How sweet it is to be loved by you
How sweet it is to be loved by you
Friday, March 27, 2009
做狗比做人好
This is what my dad and granny would sometimes say... see see.. dog is treated better than a human being. Well.. I haven't felt so till today. Remembered the last time granny went over to her friend's place and saw how her friend treated her pet dog. Dog was allowed to sit on the sofa and was showered with much attention and love.. there she came out with this theory.
For me...
Dad was complaining again that I haven't gave them enough money. He said "you think your 3 hundred dollars a lot ar." Well.. it hurts me whenever they do this. 300, yes, isn't much, but within my comfort zone and I thought it meant to be a 心意, instead it has been taken for granted. The elderly would always bear the thinking, "养儿防老", and take it as a must for their children to be their source of income comes old age. True, it is a Chinese virtue of 迎水思原, you must remember your roots and repay your parents' hardship of parenting.
But how come that doesn't apply to pets rearing? All pple gave their best effort, love and time to their pets just like how they brought up their children, set apart the hundreds of money that supported this love. And was there any expectation of a pay back day???
Well, if you think of it, what's the diff? You choose to have a pet, so you have it and love it with no expectation of it repaying your love than loyalty and companionship. You choose to have children, so you have it and his/her love in return, paid for his/her expenses and needs, then treat it like an investment and expect a pay back day? Animals sounds more like love here, and human being? A traded commodity.
I'm definitely not trying to be cruel. I love my parents just in case you're wonderin... and I will practice the virtue, within my means. And at the same time, remind myself not to bring this upon my children. It will be out of their good will to appreciate my effort in parenting but true love does not expect returns. Children didn't choose to be born into this world but you chose to have them. It's a responsibility of yours and not a mandatory for your children.
Signed out,
Da witch.
For me...
Dad was complaining again that I haven't gave them enough money. He said "you think your 3 hundred dollars a lot ar." Well.. it hurts me whenever they do this. 300, yes, isn't much, but within my comfort zone and I thought it meant to be a 心意, instead it has been taken for granted. The elderly would always bear the thinking, "养儿防老", and take it as a must for their children to be their source of income comes old age. True, it is a Chinese virtue of 迎水思原, you must remember your roots and repay your parents' hardship of parenting.
But how come that doesn't apply to pets rearing? All pple gave their best effort, love and time to their pets just like how they brought up their children, set apart the hundreds of money that supported this love. And was there any expectation of a pay back day???
Well, if you think of it, what's the diff? You choose to have a pet, so you have it and love it with no expectation of it repaying your love than loyalty and companionship. You choose to have children, so you have it and his/her love in return, paid for his/her expenses and needs, then treat it like an investment and expect a pay back day? Animals sounds more like love here, and human being? A traded commodity.
I'm definitely not trying to be cruel. I love my parents just in case you're wonderin... and I will practice the virtue, within my means. And at the same time, remind myself not to bring this upon my children. It will be out of their good will to appreciate my effort in parenting but true love does not expect returns. Children didn't choose to be born into this world but you chose to have them. It's a responsibility of yours and not a mandatory for your children.
Signed out,
Da witch.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Tears with love
Tears can be associated with joy and sadness, so can be with love.
We last met up on S, 21 Mar 09. That is abt 45 hours apart from today 23 Mar 09, 6pm, less than 2 days. A long time??? YES, to us, yes.
Ever since we got together, we miss each other, even if we last met up an hr ago, and this love sickness got worst, aft our trip, aft the 2 or 3 days of get-together at my place after my surgery, all the cooking and "couplery" stuff that we did together....
This morning, as usual, he woke me up... but i would neva forget the call. Being extremely sleepy, but still I could remember clearly what he said to me... He cried because he misses me. I was shocked, millions of reasons and questions raced thru my mind, my heart sankened.. what happened? some other things must have ignite the sadness... but none was true, and the one and only reason was indeed that he misses me. How many guys would do that? Maybe a few for others, but for a plain jane like me? One in a million or almost impossible to find another.
I could feel how much he loves me and how much he values me. What a way to start the morning, my heart felt so warmed and filled with love. I am pretty today, because I'm so in love.
Everyone has his/her abundance in one, perhaps money or whatever, but I have love. So much love from this one guy, true love.
We last met up on S, 21 Mar 09. That is abt 45 hours apart from today 23 Mar 09, 6pm, less than 2 days. A long time??? YES, to us, yes.
Ever since we got together, we miss each other, even if we last met up an hr ago, and this love sickness got worst, aft our trip, aft the 2 or 3 days of get-together at my place after my surgery, all the cooking and "couplery" stuff that we did together....
This morning, as usual, he woke me up... but i would neva forget the call. Being extremely sleepy, but still I could remember clearly what he said to me... He cried because he misses me. I was shocked, millions of reasons and questions raced thru my mind, my heart sankened.. what happened? some other things must have ignite the sadness... but none was true, and the one and only reason was indeed that he misses me. How many guys would do that? Maybe a few for others, but for a plain jane like me? One in a million or almost impossible to find another.
I could feel how much he loves me and how much he values me. What a way to start the morning, my heart felt so warmed and filled with love. I am pretty today, because I'm so in love.
Everyone has his/her abundance in one, perhaps money or whatever, but I have love. So much love from this one guy, true love.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Daddy
We were having the bread party at 12midnight! haha.. everyone was eating bread, dad's with peanut butter, mum's with jam, sis and mine with pasta sauce!
Seldom would we have the chance to hang ard like that in peace. Most of the time: doors were shut, mother and daughter were yelling, husband and wife bickering, daughters quarrelling, parents naggin...
Out of the blue, dad said... "找一天每个人没有作工，不用上学，坐在一起这样讲话多么好"
I jokingly asked him if he really had so much to say...
But in my heart, I understood his words, the true meaning behind the laughter. Dad is a family oriented person, he treasures being able to do something for us, thus no matter how tired he is, he still insists to be there for us, fetch us to work, fetch us home, iron our clothes, etc, etc...
He can be fierce and unreasonable at times, but who won't? I have no doubt in giving up my life for him, after all, he spent the last 20plus yrs for us. I felt so ashamed of myself, unable to provide for them. Seeing them slogging hard for money, still, at this age, breaks my heart.
Sometimes, I can't help but succumb to the fear of life and death. I can't afford or bear the pain. It's too much to lose, even worst than dying. Why must our lives be limited by yrs, tenth of yrs and not hundredth or thousandth? Why must there be love if separation is deemed to pull us apart? Why can't there be forever and yet created this word? What is the purpose of this word when nothin could be forever?
Please. Please dun take anyone from me. Please. If you insist, take me, cause it won't make a difference.
Seldom would we have the chance to hang ard like that in peace. Most of the time: doors were shut, mother and daughter were yelling, husband and wife bickering, daughters quarrelling, parents naggin...
Out of the blue, dad said... "找一天每个人没有作工，不用上学，坐在一起这样讲话多么好"
I jokingly asked him if he really had so much to say...
But in my heart, I understood his words, the true meaning behind the laughter. Dad is a family oriented person, he treasures being able to do something for us, thus no matter how tired he is, he still insists to be there for us, fetch us to work, fetch us home, iron our clothes, etc, etc...
He can be fierce and unreasonable at times, but who won't? I have no doubt in giving up my life for him, after all, he spent the last 20plus yrs for us. I felt so ashamed of myself, unable to provide for them. Seeing them slogging hard for money, still, at this age, breaks my heart.
Sometimes, I can't help but succumb to the fear of life and death. I can't afford or bear the pain. It's too much to lose, even worst than dying. Why must our lives be limited by yrs, tenth of yrs and not hundredth or thousandth? Why must there be love if separation is deemed to pull us apart? Why can't there be forever and yet created this word? What is the purpose of this word when nothin could be forever?
Please. Please dun take anyone from me. Please. If you insist, take me, cause it won't make a difference.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Ecstatic
A new word to my dictionary. Meaning in a state of ecstasy.
That long wait... pinning and praying for the balloting result. Erm 6 weeks? Long enuff.
The feeling that day was amazing, my hands were trembling as I clicked on the results, my heart was thumping so hard that I thot others would have heard it.
I was flushing with excitement.
And.... WE GOT IT! - A place we call our own, our dream land. A place where our love will blossoms and roots.
(On the down side... it caused insomnia that night. But... it's so worth it!)
This opened another chapter of our lives and our relationship. A goal that we now work towards. A goal that we share and treasure.
Whatever may come forth, it's not going to stop us. May courage and endurance be with us.
Home Sweet Home
With lots of love,
Da witch
That long wait... pinning and praying for the balloting result. Erm 6 weeks? Long enuff.
The feeling that day was amazing, my hands were trembling as I clicked on the results, my heart was thumping so hard that I thot others would have heard it.
I was flushing with excitement.
And.... WE GOT IT! - A place we call our own, our dream land. A place where our love will blossoms and roots.
(On the down side... it caused insomnia that night. But... it's so worth it!)
This opened another chapter of our lives and our relationship. A goal that we now work towards. A goal that we share and treasure.
Whatever may come forth, it's not going to stop us. May courage and endurance be with us.
Home Sweet Home
With lots of love,
Da witch
Monday, February 23, 2009
sweet surprises
Life can be full of surprises that take many forms. It can be a big surprise or tiny ones.. it can be:
-filled with happiness
-a shock
-accompanied with grief & anger
Love is not exclusive, on the contrary, love contributes 3/4 of the total surprises in one's lifetime, i felt.
Surprise No. 1: S, 21 Feb 09
We dined at Yoshi. He said that he was influenced by me. He used to hate chilli but there he was adding chilli flakes to his ebi tempura meal.
Of course, I asked him why, told him that he dun have to do this, I mean dun hurt urself just to compliment my likes. And i dun need you to change anything for me, be urself, cause I love you for who you are.
He said... there were many first times for him in our relationship, all were pleasant experiences, like walking at the beach with someone, going to the botanic gardens..
These were nothings to me, as in, I dun think anyone would not have walked at the beach with someone... but to him, it's like as if he has found treasures.
Thereafter, he believes in trying what i think is nice. (Erm.. am I right? This was written based on my failing memory).
This knowledge came as a sweet surprise that warmed my heart wholly. I would not have known that I have the ability to open doors in your heart.
Surprise No. 2: Blog
You read my blog.
I always thought that you will only do so when I told you to. Surprised me when you said you read it every so often. Well.... not that i write fantastic stuffs, but every word was from my heart. I din think anyone would bother....
thanks baby.
Surprise No. 3: Alarm
As I was writing this, he called. After a long day at work, despite being tired, he set his alarm just to remind me it's time for bed.
How can I love you enough, my dear.
If I were to give you a gift, it's going to be my time, a lifetime loving you and being there for you.
There they are, 3 surprises in a short span of 3 days. But again, it all depends on your point of view. If surprises only comes in the form of materials to you, all of the above would mean nothin.
To me at least, these were impt and heartfelt moments. They are bits and pieces that form the complete picture. I have neva felt the importance of my existance, till now, that I found you.
-filled with happiness
-a shock
-accompanied with grief & anger
Love is not exclusive, on the contrary, love contributes 3/4 of the total surprises in one's lifetime, i felt.
Surprise No. 1: S, 21 Feb 09
We dined at Yoshi. He said that he was influenced by me. He used to hate chilli but there he was adding chilli flakes to his ebi tempura meal.
Of course, I asked him why, told him that he dun have to do this, I mean dun hurt urself just to compliment my likes. And i dun need you to change anything for me, be urself, cause I love you for who you are.
He said... there were many first times for him in our relationship, all were pleasant experiences, like walking at the beach with someone, going to the botanic gardens..
These were nothings to me, as in, I dun think anyone would not have walked at the beach with someone... but to him, it's like as if he has found treasures.
Thereafter, he believes in trying what i think is nice. (Erm.. am I right? This was written based on my failing memory).
This knowledge came as a sweet surprise that warmed my heart wholly. I would not have known that I have the ability to open doors in your heart.
Surprise No. 2: Blog
You read my blog.
I always thought that you will only do so when I told you to. Surprised me when you said you read it every so often. Well.... not that i write fantastic stuffs, but every word was from my heart. I din think anyone would bother....
thanks baby.
Surprise No. 3: Alarm
As I was writing this, he called. After a long day at work, despite being tired, he set his alarm just to remind me it's time for bed.
How can I love you enough, my dear.
If I were to give you a gift, it's going to be my time, a lifetime loving you and being there for you.
There they are, 3 surprises in a short span of 3 days. But again, it all depends on your point of view. If surprises only comes in the form of materials to you, all of the above would mean nothin.
To me at least, these were impt and heartfelt moments. They are bits and pieces that form the complete picture. I have neva felt the importance of my existance, till now, that I found you.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
busy busy busy
Today is my ever busiest day... t-down and t-down and more t-down, wat de!
Woke up late.
Endless T-downs.
With a wound that's still bleeding.
Filtering here and there, send papers, send laptops...
And 3hrs of OT.
Goodness, wat a day! But yet such day could be fulfilling, a busy day on the contrary moves on fast, a slack day moves like it's taking forever.
And of course, a busy day is also a highly stressful one. There's no one to help out, pple can talk about their holiday trip, this and that, goes back on time, has a few months to rest before looking at that stupid T-down again, and me? Faithfully coming back on tues thou supposed to be on mc and faithfully done up the T-down by every Wed for Feb... so what's the gift? 2 more weeks of T-down because I have been on mc, fairness you would say! Zero appreciation!
If I had known, I would have gladly take the mc and not even goes back to work, then perhaps my wound would have healed by now.
There's a saying goes... 对别人人慈，就是对自己残忍. Yes, it sounds damn crude! B
ut I should have known.
Ar, enuff of the bitterness, look at the bright side of life... More T-down means more practice, and more practice means more experiences! Experiences in? Being a better puppet!
Luckily.. there's you. If not, my day would be worst. At least when I walked out of that horrifying place, you were there with the most embracing hug. And we had a ultra full meal. A hungry man is an angry man, a man with his hunger satisfied, is a happy man. Yes, all is gone, tmr is a better day, of course, cause it's my off day!
Ta!
Woke up late.
Endless T-downs.
With a wound that's still bleeding.
Filtering here and there, send papers, send laptops...
And 3hrs of OT.
Goodness, wat a day! But yet such day could be fulfilling, a busy day on the contrary moves on fast, a slack day moves like it's taking forever.
And of course, a busy day is also a highly stressful one. There's no one to help out, pple can talk about their holiday trip, this and that, goes back on time, has a few months to rest before looking at that stupid T-down again, and me? Faithfully coming back on tues thou supposed to be on mc and faithfully done up the T-down by every Wed for Feb... so what's the gift? 2 more weeks of T-down because I have been on mc, fairness you would say! Zero appreciation!
If I had known, I would have gladly take the mc and not even goes back to work, then perhaps my wound would have healed by now.
There's a saying goes... 对别人人慈，就是对自己残忍. Yes, it sounds damn crude! B
ut I should have known.Ar, enuff of the bitterness, look at the bright side of life... More T-down means more practice, and more practice means more experiences! Experiences in? Being a better puppet!
Luckily.. there's you. If not, my day would be worst. At least when I walked out of that horrifying place, you were there with the most embracing hug. And we had a ultra full meal. A hungry man is an angry man, a man with his hunger satisfied, is a happy man. Yes, all is gone, tmr is a better day, of course, cause it's my off day!
Ta!
How's life now?
Well, it has been a superbly long time.
Begin to wonder why do pple blog? Why do pple announce to the world what's of their daily activity and why did the vice verse works (ie. why will you be interested in looking at other's blog)? Why did the use-to-be so secretly kept diary goes online for all to see?
Erm... perhaps curiosity kills the cat? I admit that it can be fun at times to see others' perception of life, how's their recent activity, what's in and out...blah blah blah. But I guess mine could be a tad boring...
There's nothin much that goes on.. except for my love, my family & the most dreading work! Oh well, since it's the so-called Valentine lovey dovey month, I shall leave the work part aside and tribute my worthless little post to my loved ones.
My love and my family are my greatest support. I cant imagine the world without them thou at times, i really do believe that i can survive alone.
He's always there for me, tolerating me and my unreasonable times, loving my flaws, accepting me as I am, waiting for me may it be "give me five or twenty", flashing the mega watt smile whenever I'm down, appreciating me, lightening my load physically and mentally, walking side with me & hold me up when i fall. How did I come so far without you? It is as if I was made for the purpose to love you.
We share countless similarities not to mention with my high wavelength, and long antenna, the countless hits on telepathy.. haha!
By saying 3 times means I mean it - I love you, I love you, I love you.
And yes, I really do.. It has been like 7 months my dear... time has passed so fast that I neva seems to get enuff of you. Cuddling in your arms or lying on your shoulder freezes the time and the world.
Oh! How can I forget... thanks for looking up into the sky with me...and loving my family.
As to my family... well, I must admit things hasn't been really the same after granny and uncle departed. Festivals are always filled with a tinge of sadness - 每逢佳节， 倍思亲, though we still practice the usual gathering. Some seems to be apart and distance despite of their presence. Yes, everyone has their own circle, own life, own immediate family... but not everyone could have such a closely knitted cluster family (sisters, brothers, in laws, cousins, uncles, aunties). Pple whom I've spoken to were often envy of me. Little do they know how much fear i felt that ties would fall apart. Everyone seems to move on fast, would we still gather 5, 10, 20 years down the road? I would not exchange anything for this family and my promise to granny, will you? I would always remember what his mum said, "家和万事兴", nothing can pose to be a problem, as long as a family stays united.
I still miss granny... a lot, but I believe she's happy now, free from all the sufferings of this physical world.
Begin to wonder why do pple blog? Why do pple announce to the world what's of their daily activity and why did the vice verse works (ie. why will you be interested in looking at other's blog)? Why did the use-to-be so secretly kept diary goes online for all to see?
Erm... perhaps curiosity kills the cat? I admit that it can be fun at times to see others' perception of life, how's their recent activity, what's in and out...blah blah blah. But I guess mine could be a tad boring...
There's nothin much that goes on.. except for my love, my family & the most dreading work! Oh well, since it's the so-called Valentine lovey dovey month, I shall leave the work part aside and tribute my worthless little post to my loved ones.
My love and my family are my greatest support. I cant imagine the world without them thou at times, i really do believe that i can survive alone.
He's always there for me, tolerating me and my unreasonable times, loving my flaws, accepting me as I am, waiting for me may it be "give me five or twenty", flashing the mega watt smile whenever I'm down, appreciating me, lightening my load physically and mentally, walking side with me & hold me up when i fall. How did I come so far without you? It is as if I was made for the purpose to love you.
We share countless similarities not to mention with my high wavelength, and long antenna, the countless hits on telepathy.. haha!
By saying 3 times means I mean it - I love you, I love you, I love you.
And yes, I really do.. It has been like 7 months my dear... time has passed so fast that I neva seems to get enuff of you. Cuddling in your arms or lying on your shoulder freezes the time and the world.
Oh! How can I forget... thanks for looking up into the sky with me...and loving my family.
As to my family... well, I must admit things hasn't been really the same after granny and uncle departed. Festivals are always filled with a tinge of sadness - 每逢佳节， 倍思亲, though we still practice the usual gathering. Some seems to be apart and distance despite of their presence. Yes, everyone has their own circle, own life, own immediate family... but not everyone could have such a closely knitted cluster family (sisters, brothers, in laws, cousins, uncles, aunties). Pple whom I've spoken to were often envy of me. Little do they know how much fear i felt that ties would fall apart. Everyone seems to move on fast, would we still gather 5, 10, 20 years down the road? I would not exchange anything for this family and my promise to granny, will you? I would always remember what his mum said, "家和万事兴", nothing can pose to be a problem, as long as a family stays united.
I still miss granny... a lot, but I believe she's happy now, free from all the sufferings of this physical world.
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