I tested negative today.
Menses was 2 days late.. in fact the latest in the past 4 months which I have been tracking. I thought there was hope, and this "hope" was held high and mentally, I am already prepared for a positive result, I was 70% certain, yes, it'll be a plus. BUT, no, the results was not. It was a flat negative, not even a slightest faint pink line that I hoped and prayed for...
I used predictor for today's test and the results take 5 mins, 5 dreading long minutes I stood in the toilet of my workplace and waited... Each passing seconds dashed my hopes further... Holding the test stick in my hand, I tried my greatest might to scan the oval panel where no line = negative, pink or purple line = positive.
5 mins or longer I stood in the toilet and finally into the trash bin the test stick and so did my 13 bucks went. That was 1420hrs when I next looked at the clock.
At 1800hrs, I have a full bladder again, tummy feels hard and swell, I went to the toilet and guess what I saw: spotting. Yes, the saddest color to me now, red. The RED sorry truth has finally decided to show itself after all that had happened. Why does my body has to play this joke on me?
If menses do come tmrl, my ovulation period would have been the exact period when I contracted urinary tract infection which is when contact was abstained. And this is after the predicted ovulation calculation according to past months menstrual period.
Got it, it is so not meant to be. Calculate and tracking my periods or not, we always missed the fertile period for a valid reason or none.
Pple have been telling me not to stress over this issue but hey... you were the ones who are inevitably creating this internal stress in me by asking, "so are you planning?" "you should start planning for a family" and etc...
Now, I feel like a lousy woman. One who is infertile and could not perform my duty as a wife and mother. Life is this unfair, the beauty of pregnancy and a life is given to those who decides to abort or to kill the newborn but not those who pray and wish for one miracle.
To myself: Be brave. The tears and unhappiness shall stop here. No one shall know about this as no one can feel how I felt. I have no time for a mental breakdown or the least disappointment to show or reveal my sadness.
