I hate coincidence, so unpredictable and controllable.
We met her, someone I wanted to see, and yet felt uneasy and unhappy after seeing. I wanted to see how she looks like in real, what kind of girl you like, how much you feel seeing her again, perhaps it's jealousy.
She hurt you but there was no hatred in your eyes, I dislike your kindness in this way. The way you turn back and looked at her, twice in fact, the way you get excited when I mentioned that fact that there's someone that looked like her. The way you protected her when I said to go back there, you said, why do I have to make everyone feel awkward.
It's not that I dun trust you, but your reactions and view to things or situations were beyond my understanding. When there's hatred suppose to be, you don't, but when a small issue occurs, you pursue with great anger. How difficult to understand.
I wish all ex(s) will disappear from each others' world. I hate this constant fear and what do I fear, of losing I guess. I like to win or is it the works of my inferior complex again. What am I but a fat pimpled face.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
New position
Standing in a new position, in a new environment, I felt lost. As if words were foreign, pple were from space. A different culture, different terms.
The first few days were waiting, something I hate so much to do. Nothing else, but surfing the web, and looking at walls. Watching time goes by, tick tock tick tock, sounded like misery.
When work comes in, I feared as instruction sounded gibberish. Often, my mind difted off on its own, to a world where skies are blue and clouds are fluffy. I attempt to hold it back, missing already half the conversation. My eyes tried hard to stay focus, to stay open in fact, no amount of rest seems sufficient.
Come Friday, I thanked God. Finally, it's time for a break, not from stress, cause there hardly is, but from someone I tried hard to be. Yes, time whereby I can remove the mask, and my loads, to rest.
The first few days were waiting, something I hate so much to do. Nothing else, but surfing the web, and looking at walls. Watching time goes by, tick tock tick tock, sounded like misery.
When work comes in, I feared as instruction sounded gibberish. Often, my mind difted off on its own, to a world where skies are blue and clouds are fluffy. I attempt to hold it back, missing already half the conversation. My eyes tried hard to stay focus, to stay open in fact, no amount of rest seems sufficient.
Come Friday, I thanked God. Finally, it's time for a break, not from stress, cause there hardly is, but from someone I tried hard to be. Yes, time whereby I can remove the mask, and my loads, to rest.
The downside of love
Unhappy. Very.
How much I envy of others with long weekends, dun get me wrong, I have the equivalent time too, minus the relaxation and enjoyment. Perhaps some may choose to travel, some may lie on a beach watching time go by, some may fly a kite, some may go for a swim or perhaps a walk. Me? 3 days of staying home, nothing meaningful, feel like a total waste of time. Time feels short, thou it's a good 3 days worth.
I wanted to go out too. Wanted to go under the sun, wanted to do some exercise (my body feels so stiff :( ), but there's nothing I can do, other than wait wait and wait. Another one whole month to go, perhaps when you're done, I'll be gone. I can choose, why not, i can choose to be selfish, wake you up in the morning regardless you have rested enough or not, ask you to go out with me regardless if you have studied or not, ask you to choose to stay in base regardless you like it or not, but I cant bring myself to do it, if I do, what difference do I make comparing to her or to woman I despise.
I guess this happens when your brain does NOT align with your heart. I want to get out. I want sunlight. I want fun.
How much I envy of others with long weekends, dun get me wrong, I have the equivalent time too, minus the relaxation and enjoyment. Perhaps some may choose to travel, some may lie on a beach watching time go by, some may fly a kite, some may go for a swim or perhaps a walk. Me? 3 days of staying home, nothing meaningful, feel like a total waste of time. Time feels short, thou it's a good 3 days worth.
I wanted to go out too. Wanted to go under the sun, wanted to do some exercise (my body feels so stiff :( ), but there's nothing I can do, other than wait wait and wait. Another one whole month to go, perhaps when you're done, I'll be gone. I can choose, why not, i can choose to be selfish, wake you up in the morning regardless you have rested enough or not, ask you to go out with me regardless if you have studied or not, ask you to choose to stay in base regardless you like it or not, but I cant bring myself to do it, if I do, what difference do I make comparing to her or to woman I despise.
I guess this happens when your brain does NOT align with your heart. I want to get out. I want sunlight. I want fun.
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