I tested negative today.
Menses was 2 days late.. in fact the latest in the past 4 months which I have been tracking. I thought there was hope, and this "hope" was held high and mentally, I am already prepared for a positive result, I was 70% certain, yes, it'll be a plus. BUT, no, the results was not. It was a flat negative, not even a slightest faint pink line that I hoped and prayed for...
I used predictor for today's test and the results take 5 mins, 5 dreading long minutes I stood in the toilet of my workplace and waited... Each passing seconds dashed my hopes further... Holding the test stick in my hand, I tried my greatest might to scan the oval panel where no line = negative, pink or purple line = positive.
5 mins or longer I stood in the toilet and finally into the trash bin the test stick and so did my 13 bucks went. That was 1420hrs when I next looked at the clock.
At 1800hrs, I have a full bladder again, tummy feels hard and swell, I went to the toilet and guess what I saw: spotting. Yes, the saddest color to me now, red. The RED sorry truth has finally decided to show itself after all that had happened. Why does my body has to play this joke on me?
If menses do come tmrl, my ovulation period would have been the exact period when I contracted urinary tract infection which is when contact was abstained. And this is after the predicted ovulation calculation according to past months menstrual period.
Got it, it is so not meant to be. Calculate and tracking my periods or not, we always missed the fertile period for a valid reason or none.
Pple have been telling me not to stress over this issue but hey... you were the ones who are inevitably creating this internal stress in me by asking, "so are you planning?" "you should start planning for a family" and etc...
Now, I feel like a lousy woman. One who is infertile and could not perform my duty as a wife and mother. Life is this unfair, the beauty of pregnancy and a life is given to those who decides to abort or to kill the newborn but not those who pray and wish for one miracle.
To myself: Be brave. The tears and unhappiness shall stop here. No one shall know about this as no one can feel how I felt. I have no time for a mental breakdown or the least disappointment to show or reveal my sadness.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
龙年快乐!
It's the third day of the Lunar New Year.
To me, Lunar New Year celebration started on 除夕and ended after 年初一. The 'feel' of new year is just not there anymore. This year seems more than quiet and routine compared to the others. Perhaps it came a tad too fast. Following Christmas and New Year's celebration, I can hardly catch up with the partying, age slowers things, mentally and physically. As much as I wanted to maintain and keep up with the festive, I hardly have the 'power' to harness that determination. 有心而力不足。 Financially, I'm as usual - empty cups, sometimes, more than a burden to him. Married and grown, I'm an adult already, in fact, I'm approaching the great 30s, still I end up with a single digit in my bank account way before the next pay day. This is worrysome. And still, I hate work. Sometimes, I'm plain lazy, I feel, how can I be a good wife and mother, if I remained this way.
Harbouring the wish to get pregnant and be a mother, many a time, I consider myself unready.
There are a few reminders that I promptly thought to myself but yet to reap any achievements year after year:
1. Not to be late for work or any appts (I just can't wake up in the morning and work isnt at all encouraging and challenging, in fact, half the time, I'm trying to source for work to do, and well, holidays are over, it's time to wake up.)
2. Lose some weight for goodness sake, I'm constantly craving for sweeties
3. Correct my impatience
4. Control my temper
5. Live a happier and more optimistic life
6. Accomplish something
7. Bathe promptly (I hate bathing for some phobia of getting stuck in the bathroom. Mad, I know)
The list isn't long, it's a matter of determination I know, and this is really the key that I cant harness, like a blocked sink.
After typing for a while now.. look at the blog title and my post... Aw... you know i'm contradictory, I want to be a happy person but my life is sad.
Even if I can't accomplish any of the above, I wish to be happier this year. Looking back at all those mistakes and fights that I have put up thus far, I tend to regret them. I regret that I haven't treated my friends sincerely, not that i really don't, just that I dont see a point, because, very often I'm either boring or watsoever, it's a one way traffic. Ah well, I'm going to do my best and at least, reduce that protective shield and learn to trust a bit, to give a honest front, even if I fall, this time next year, I will look back and smile, pat my own shoulders and tell myself, good job, Im happy.
A note to myself: learn to enjoy the process, the process is just as impt as the outcome. Without either, it's not gg to be complete, you are not gg to be happy too.
Wishing everyone, if there's anyone reading this, a smooth sailing, fulfilling, happy and safe Dragon year 2012.
Loves. xoxo.
To me, Lunar New Year celebration started on 除夕and ended after 年初一. The 'feel' of new year is just not there anymore. This year seems more than quiet and routine compared to the others. Perhaps it came a tad too fast. Following Christmas and New Year's celebration, I can hardly catch up with the partying, age slowers things, mentally and physically. As much as I wanted to maintain and keep up with the festive, I hardly have the 'power' to harness that determination. 有心而力不足。 Financially, I'm as usual - empty cups, sometimes, more than a burden to him. Married and grown, I'm an adult already, in fact, I'm approaching the great 30s, still I end up with a single digit in my bank account way before the next pay day. This is worrysome. And still, I hate work. Sometimes, I'm plain lazy, I feel, how can I be a good wife and mother, if I remained this way.
Harbouring the wish to get pregnant and be a mother, many a time, I consider myself unready.
There are a few reminders that I promptly thought to myself but yet to reap any achievements year after year:
1. Not to be late for work or any appts (I just can't wake up in the morning and work isnt at all encouraging and challenging, in fact, half the time, I'm trying to source for work to do, and well, holidays are over, it's time to wake up.)
2. Lose some weight for goodness sake, I'm constantly craving for sweeties
3. Correct my impatience
4. Control my temper
5. Live a happier and more optimistic life
6. Accomplish something
7. Bathe promptly (I hate bathing for some phobia of getting stuck in the bathroom. Mad, I know)
The list isn't long, it's a matter of determination I know, and this is really the key that I cant harness, like a blocked sink.
After typing for a while now.. look at the blog title and my post... Aw... you know i'm contradictory, I want to be a happy person but my life is sad.
Even if I can't accomplish any of the above, I wish to be happier this year. Looking back at all those mistakes and fights that I have put up thus far, I tend to regret them. I regret that I haven't treated my friends sincerely, not that i really don't, just that I dont see a point, because, very often I'm either boring or watsoever, it's a one way traffic. Ah well, I'm going to do my best and at least, reduce that protective shield and learn to trust a bit, to give a honest front, even if I fall, this time next year, I will look back and smile, pat my own shoulders and tell myself, good job, Im happy.
A note to myself: learn to enjoy the process, the process is just as impt as the outcome. Without either, it's not gg to be complete, you are not gg to be happy too.
Wishing everyone, if there's anyone reading this, a smooth sailing, fulfilling, happy and safe Dragon year 2012.
Loves. xoxo.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
The making of our nest
How do birds learn to make nest? What shapes, what colours, what materials, who told them?
We are in the midst of sourcing for an interior designer (ID) or contractor for our place and to make such aimportant decision, we have to gamble and do a trial and error, to think of that is stressful enough.
Money on the other hand is a inevitable factor as much as I wish I could ignore it. I mean a glamorous house would not lighten our burden or provide any comfort if that resulted in a huge load of baggage we have to shoulder thereafter.
No one could tell us a definite answer. We, yes, the owner and occupier of the place have to decide what we want, when neither of us, actually knows what we want.
What I really want is a cottage country house, but reality says no. In the end, I think we are going for the raw minimalist concept, and to scare myself, I started questioning if that is really what I wanted, yes, after meeting 2 designers and adding to about 5 hours of discussions, and with 1 proposal on today.
I appreciate IDs that questions to help us get the idea, and yet there are others who are oblivious and abrupt, like "if you don't tell me what you want, how do i know?". Erm, hey there, I thought I pay to engage your help, if I know, and I can design, I will do it myself. That amount of money would bring me lotsa Chanel than to throw it into space, silly.
I wish this could be as easy as picking up random twigs. Then again, perhaps it's not so easy for them too.
We are in the midst of sourcing for an interior designer (ID) or contractor for our place and to make such a
Money on the other hand is a inevitable factor as much as I wish I could ignore it. I mean a glamorous house would not lighten our burden or provide any comfort if that resulted in a huge load of baggage we have to shoulder thereafter.
No one could tell us a definite answer. We, yes, the owner and occupier of the place have to decide what we want, when neither of us, actually knows what we want.
What I really want is a cottage country house, but reality says no. In the end, I think we are going for the raw minimalist concept, and to scare myself, I started questioning if that is really what I wanted, yes, after meeting 2 designers and adding to about 5 hours of discussions, and with 1 proposal on today.
I appreciate IDs that questions to help us get the idea, and yet there are others who are oblivious and abrupt, like "if you don't tell me what you want, how do i know?". Erm, hey there, I thought I pay to engage your help, if I know, and I can design, I will do it myself. That amount of money would bring me lotsa Chanel than to throw it into space, silly.
I wish this could be as easy as picking up random twigs. Then again, perhaps it's not so easy for them too.
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