Emotionally OFF

We celebrated the first birthday of our precious baby.

I wonder how many pple out there were thinking or thought that we are crazy. Wadever! We just like it and we feel right about it, why not. I grew tired to think of what others think and what others say. It's as if I'm living for another. It is going to be difficult, I grew up in shame and under so much criticism from others, without my parents standing up for me, without a brother or sister to protect me. Verbal abuse is the word I learnt later to describe what I went through.

I grew up to be a person who is very sensitive to my surroundings and of low self esteem and confidence. I seek shelter in what I thought is love. Bury myself so deep into those relationship I now deemed myself as stupid and childish. What do I know of love? Why did I allow myself to sell my dignity? I still remember once when my late uncle asked me "you are so young, what do you know of love?" And my aunt in law said, "that's puppy love, ignore him." Now I understand his question, I wished I have listened to him, what did I know of love? Nothin. I was so stubborn at that time, and I revolved my world around a person whom is not even a family member, wasted my time, my precious time with granny, if only I can turn back time, I would not have chose that path. Things will perhaps be different now.

I lived my life with regrets, trying hard to tell myself, look forth and not back, but in vain. I like to live in history feeling remorseful and upset than to walk towards that beautiful sight waiting for me. Perhaps I will only be able to reach that wonderful place when It becomes another regretful history.

Sometimes I felt mentally unstable. I felt as if i'm suffering from depression. Sometimes, I felt trapped in a corner. Sometimes, I felt frustrated so frustrated that i'm afraid i might break down and start shouting in public. Sometimes, I felt extremely sad that I feel like dying. Sometimes, I felt overwhelmed that the world started twirling and my hands trembled in cold. My muscle seems to be out of control.

When can I be myself? When can I let myself go? When can I free myself from my internal prison? Or when will I finally break down and go crazy?

Take things easy. Easier said than done when the world is pressing so hard on you. When everything you see becomes a money symbol. When you have more and more work. And the more you work, the more you wonder, what's the point when every month, you are still struggling hard with the bills, and daily living. But you know you can't stop, you have to work because if you don't, nobody will forgive you, nobody is going to accommodate and comfort you, nobody will be nice and tell you that it's ok.

I feel like running, running away from all these. It's so horrible that I feel like dropping it and run away. Running away always seem like a easier option than facing it. Simply because it is never ending. Facing it would means braving thru wave after wave, don't think that it is going to stop after one, because it wont.

Perhaps acting blur and stupid would earn lesser job, better friendship and would be an easier and more likeable option to escape. Or should I bravely stand up and defend myself? We shall see at the next increment exercise.

白事

I attended 2 funerals in the month of August 2010. The 7th lunar month. It is a month of increased death rate I thought. Everywhere it is.

I felt numb. Numb to grieve.

Humans are such fragile beings, susceptible to tons of known or unknown diseases, illnesses, accidents, disasters and whatever else. Almost anything can take us away anytime.

We may chat and laugh happily now, and the next moment, he/she is gone, like FOREVER. I still cannot comprehend the life processes. A real physical form standing right in front of you, filled with emotions and feelings, with thousands of nerve endings, intelligent or not, self aware of himself/herself, takes up space and breathes in air, made up of millions of living cells and inflict reactions and feelings of others causing chain reactions in the world, can just disappear from this dimension and reduced to ashes in one flame. Who invented cremation? Not that it will be any better with the burial option.

You took the person away from this dimension, but who is going to take the memories created with the person in it?

My granny said, when a person dies, he’s gone, leaving the sufferings to those who live on.

There’s something else that puzzled me.

During the funeral ritual, the priest said, once you(referring to the deceased) crossed the bridge, all ties will be cut and forgotten, I’m not sure which bridge, but what puzzles me is that, if all is forgotten, do they remember us when we offer our prayers?

For as long as I live, I wish to remember them, no matter if grieve is what it brings along or comfort that it gives to the heart, it’s part of me.

why is life so unfair

It's every so often that I find myself asking this question: why is life so unfair?

The more I asked, the more I pacify myself to stop asking, treasure what I have and instead of comparing with the great and mighty, I should see myself being lucky, at least I am fed and clothed, but the more I felt frustrated and unjust. It's easy to say than to actually take in the thoughts.

Religions believers will tell you that it is the karma from your last life that decide how your life now is, wealthy or poor, happy or upset, healthy or sickly. Isn't that already unfair? I hate circumstances like this, whereby you have no control to change anything. Punishment should be right on the spot, and not wait till next life or later. Similarly, if there is anything unhappy about what I did, I would wish to be told right on the spot, at least I could choose and make a choice there and then to correct the mistake, rather than to be told eons later, after numerous of the similar mistakes have been made, and at a point whereby apology seems redundant, and regret stays in your heart. Or have I mistaken? Regret is the supposing punishment.

And I am suppose to incur good deeds this life so that my next will be better, then again who can tell me if this is confirmed, as in, next life? What and where will I be? I find it hard to work for an empty illusion. Similarly, for afterlife, some said you will be punish and banish to hell for your bad doings. Why then? Why do the bad and evil get their way and wealth now and punish in the mentioned hell later, and the poor to suffer in misery now and perhaps heaven if they have incur enough good deeds?

I have nothing against the religions, it is a set of beliefs set for the followers to follow, and in turns guide their doings, principles and morals, ideally. Obviously, there are plenty out there who claimed to be staunch believers but act differently from what they preached. We are humans, afterall that's why we are still here and not in heaven, har? 

Julie & Julia

I saw a movie today - Julie & Julia.

I had wanted to see it when I first saw the synopsis, but I thought it wasn't much of a guy worthy movie and so I called it off. I love to watch movies with you, and you know that. The mood, the feel, the atmosphere is almost instantly transformed, as if, we were totally in it. You made them come alive. Having someone that enjoys something with you, even if it's only at a point in time, is a joy. It's never as good alone.

Back to the movie, this is what I got from their official website:

It's amazing how captivating the movie is, perhaps, for someone who enjoys cooking, who loves to have a beautiful kitchen, who has a dream to one day, be a cook or a baker.

I get so motivated whenever such a movie or book captures my soul. Sometime, I wished, that life could be as simple as that. How would my movie be?

Love it. Wish you were here.

Mere coincidence I hope.

Something spooky happened today.

We had our photos pinned onto whiteboards. One at his place and one at mine. His has other family photos whereas mine has ours and our baby's.

He called at about 2pm-ish sounding worried. He told me that his whiteboard which has been rested on his table top for weeks fell onto the floor by itself. It slid off the side of the table, which is rather strange. He was worried that it was a bad omen and therefore checked with everyone if they are sound and safe. I reassured him that everything is alright, all the time feeling scare and worried myself.

Then, at 2am-ish, technically the next day (i.e after 12am)...

My whiteboard fell from the wall!

Goodness gracious, it was really scary! First of all, it's late at night, and any loud crash would have made you jump out of bed, then.. of all things hang above ground, the whiteboard fell!

It definitely scare the hell out of me.

I prayed hard that nothing shall happen to you. Especially when you are out at work, at the already dangerous work place without all these spookiness in the air.

I need you, please be careful. God, please help.

Please, may all of these be just mere coincidence and NOT any prophecy or warning to later events. 

The Hiding Place

We discovered a christian home mission called The Hiding Place (link), not somewhere for us, but I do find the name of this place out of the ordinary. My comments are purely based on the term "the hiding place" and not relating to the home itself.

Where is your hiding place?

There is a place where you would like to hide, away from the reality of life, away from the problems, away from the fear and away from the eyes of others, even if it's just a short break.

Mine is home, by that, I refer to the confined space of my own bedroom. I connect to the world via internet and yet do not have to bare myself to the public. If I'm tired, I could shut down and sleep, I could plug on and shut myself of unwanted disturbance, I could speak to myself, listen to my heart and bare my soul, I could slow down and breathe, I could cry to my heart's content and dance ever so freely.

Everytime I put on makeup, I feel as if i'm putting on a mask. To boost my dampened confidence and separates me from the air, sometimes to the extend of putting up a front that others would love to see. And that's just not me.

I miss having cold morning air touching my bare face which I rarely carry. I wish I could... one day perhaps.

Meanwhile~ when the makeup is on, the girl is gone.     

Isn't that me?

Saw this while browsing thru the net.

Isn't that me? First of all, I love owls. Coincidently, I love soy caramel macchiato from starbucks too, which explains why my blog was named as such.

Sadly, it's sold out. Well well well... it still made my day thou :)

Did facial mask for my parents today, these are little things that I can do for them. Whenever I thought of how fast they are aging, I lose it, I feel like crying. I may not feel close to the both of them, having grown up in others' (baby sitter) care. I love my Daddy, he's such a great man that no other can match. He has devoted all his life to our family.

I really hope that I will be able to take care of them when time comes, like they have taken care of me when I was young. There is so little time. I could barely earn enough to start my family. How do people make it? It suddenly daunt on me that hey you, it's time to grow up. As much as you don't want to, time waits no one. Reality is life. Dream only begin when you close your eyes.  

好想和你分享的天空

这是今天令我留下最深刻的话。在邮票博物馆销售的一本书，白色的书面加上简单的一句话，含着如此大量的思想空间。有点伤感，有点爱意，有点思念。

每当看见漂凉的事物都想在第一时间和爱人分享，尤其是那美丽的天空，不是吗？有好几次你在工作时看见美丽的黎明，都发图片简讯给我，告诉我好想和我一起看那景色， 你还记得吗？或是看见那美丽的云端， 也是如此。能有人和你分享是幸福的， 再美的事物若找不到知音人一起欣赏，你是否还一样觉得它美？同样的，当我看见那灿烂的彩虹和夜空，也好想和你分享。很幸福，也很惜福，有你，一位和我一样会停下脚步瞭望天空的人。

写书的作者给我的感觉好像把自己的世界比喻成天空， 好想和某人分享他的世界， 好想有那某人在他的世界。