Emotionally OFF

We celebrated the first birthday of our precious baby.

I wonder how many pple out there were thinking or thought that we are crazy. Wadever! We just like it and we feel right about it, why not. I grew tired to think of what others think and what others say. It's as if I'm living for another. It is going to be difficult, I grew up in shame and under so much criticism from others, without my parents standing up for me, without a brother or sister to protect me. Verbal abuse is the word I learnt later to describe what I went through.

I grew up to be a person who is very sensitive to my surroundings and of low self esteem and confidence. I seek shelter in what I thought is love. Bury myself so deep into those relationship I now deemed myself as stupid and childish. What do I know of love? Why did I allow myself to sell my dignity? I still remember once when my late uncle asked me "you are so young, what do you know of love?" And my aunt in law said, "that's puppy love, ignore him." Now I understand his question, I wished I have listened to him, what did I know of love? Nothin. I was so stubborn at that time, and I revolved my world around a person whom is not even a family member, wasted my time, my precious time with granny, if only I can turn back time, I would not have chose that path. Things will perhaps be different now.

I lived my life with regrets, trying hard to tell myself, look forth and not back, but in vain. I like to live in history feeling remorseful and upset than to walk towards that beautiful sight waiting for me. Perhaps I will only be able to reach that wonderful place when It becomes another regretful history.

Sometimes I felt mentally unstable. I felt as if i'm suffering from depression. Sometimes, I felt trapped in a corner. Sometimes, I felt frustrated so frustrated that i'm afraid i might break down and start shouting in public. Sometimes, I felt extremely sad that I feel like dying. Sometimes, I felt overwhelmed that the world started twirling and my hands trembled in cold. My muscle seems to be out of control.

When can I be myself? When can I let myself go? When can I free myself from my internal prison? Or when will I finally break down and go crazy?

Take things easy. Easier said than done when the world is pressing so hard on you. When everything you see becomes a money symbol. When you have more and more work. And the more you work, the more you wonder, what's the point when every month, you are still struggling hard with the bills, and daily living. But you know you can't stop, you have to work because if you don't, nobody will forgive you, nobody is going to accommodate and comfort you, nobody will be nice and tell you that it's ok.

I feel like running, running away from all these. It's so horrible that I feel like dropping it and run away. Running away always seem like a easier option than facing it. Simply because it is never ending. Facing it would means braving thru wave after wave, don't think that it is going to stop after one, because it wont.

Perhaps acting blur and stupid would earn lesser job, better friendship and would be an easier and more likeable option to escape. Or should I bravely stand up and defend myself? We shall see at the next increment exercise.