龙年快乐!

It's the third day of the Lunar New Year.

To me, Lunar New Year celebration started on 除夕and ended after 年初一. The 'feel' of new year is just not there anymore. This year seems more than quiet and routine compared to the others. Perhaps it came a tad too fast. Following Christmas and New Year's celebration, I can hardly catch up with the partying, age slowers things, mentally and physically. As much as I wanted to maintain and keep up with the festive, I hardly have the 'power' to harness that determination. 有心而力不足。 Financially, I'm as usual - empty cups, sometimes, more than a burden to him. Married and grown, I'm an adult already, in fact, I'm approaching the great 30s, still I end up with a single digit in my bank account way before the next pay day. This is worrysome. And still, I hate work. Sometimes, I'm plain lazy, I feel, how can I be a good wife and mother, if I remained this way.

Harbouring the wish to get pregnant and be a mother, many a time, I consider myself unready.

There are a few reminders that I promptly thought to myself but yet to reap any achievements year after year:

1. Not to be late for work or any appts (I just can't wake up in the morning and work isnt at all encouraging and challenging, in fact, half the time, I'm trying to source for work to do, and well, holidays are over, it's time to wake up.)
2. Lose some weight for goodness sake, I'm constantly craving for sweeties
3. Correct my impatience
4. Control my temper 
5. Live a happier and more optimistic life
6. Accomplish something
7. Bathe promptly (I hate bathing for some phobia of getting stuck in the bathroom. Mad, I know)

The list isn't long, it's a matter of determination I know, and this is really the key that I cant harness, like a blocked sink.

After typing for a while now.. look at the blog title and my post... Aw... you know i'm contradictory, I want to be a happy person but my life is sad.

Even if I can't accomplish any of the above, I wish to be happier this year. Looking back at all those mistakes and fights that I have put up thus far, I tend to regret them. I regret that I haven't treated my friends sincerely, not that i really don't, just that I dont see a point, because, very often I'm either boring or watsoever, it's a one way traffic. Ah well, I'm going to do my best and at least, reduce that protective shield and learn to trust a bit, to give a honest front, even if I fall, this time next year, I will look back and smile, pat my own shoulders and tell myself, good job, Im happy.

A note to myself: learn to enjoy the process, the process is just as impt as the outcome. Without either, it's not gg to be complete, you are not gg to be happy too.

Wishing everyone, if there's anyone reading this, a smooth sailing, fulfilling, happy and safe Dragon year 2012.

Loves. xoxo.