Get over it already

Get over it already. Easier said than done. Going to the 3rd month from the op.


Every little thing sparks a tear. Every now and then, the thought raises from it’s hiding place and revoke the unhappiness I have been trying to hide. I hope it didn’t happen. I wish it didn’t happen. I’d rather it didn’t happen. Why me?

Everyone else got on with it. Blissful smiles, lovely bump. But it didn’t work for me, in the worst way. No matter how much I tell myself that it’s okay, it is not. It’s the most misfortunate thing I can imagine. 1 out of 100,000 cases, and it happened to me. How ridiculous.

Whenever I see a child, a pregnant woman, even an advertisement on pregnancy or baby goods, I felt my heart sank, I felt a burning attention on me. Everyone tries their best not to mention a thing or breathe a breath or ask a thing but it just doesn’t go away.

Please let go, let go of me I ask of my memories. Please help me.

The only consolation will be a healthy child if I ever have one.

1 out of 100,000

Finally on 13 July 2012, it's positive! I couldnt believe my eyes. I'm 1 week late. And this date is a special day for us. The day we got together. Sweet.

This happiness took us on a roller coaster ride that lasted for a mere 11 weeks. Tears, panic, fears and all.

On the 12th weeks, we are almost there. Finally the time has come for us to announce our joy. Yet, joy no more. It's the start of our mental dismay and torture. I went for the detailed anomaly scan alone as he was on course. And it was the first time I went for a obst check myself. He was there for me all along. And this one time, was the most unfortunate. I broke down when Dr told us we had abnormal babies. You read it right, babies, we had conjoined twins. Twins, how could it be? We had no history. Conjoined? The internet reported 1 in every 100,000 pregnancies. And it happened to me??? what are the chances? 

We didnt believe. We hope it was wrong. The machine is faulty. Please.

We went for a second opinion. Worst. We were told that our babies are not normal and they had a bubble on their neck. And these should have been detected earlier. We crashed. All hopes diminished. We made plans for termination. I ate raw salmon which I craved but could not eat any raw food as I was pregnant. I am convinced that these are some monsters not my babies. What have I done wrong to have to kill my own babies? There wasn't an option. Keeping them has no good.

I went for the op. I didnt feel a thing and couldnt recall a thing. The last I heard was breathe in slowly... and I was gone. The last I told my babies, go, go now, reincarnate as proper babies, perhaps we are not fated to be. When I next woke up, they told me everything is ok now. I bleed.

Concern people started pouring in. "You are still young."..... etc. I know the intentions are good. But..but i needed the space. I need everyone to stop being concern, your concern hurts. I dont wish to hear anything about it, talk about it or anything to do with it. Chapter close. Shut it. Bury it. No more. I tried my best to push every possible image and thoughts to somewhere at the very bottom and darkest corner of my heart. I threw away everything, the u/s images, the baby goods...etc.

It is no good. No matter how much I wish it never happen, I remembered every image, every detail, every words, every tear. It will never heal.

A total disppointment which should not happen

I tested negative today.

Menses was 2 days late.. in fact the latest in the past 4 months which I have been tracking. I thought there was hope, and this "hope" was held high and mentally, I am already prepared for a positive result, I was 70% certain, yes, it'll be a plus. BUT, no, the results was not. It was a flat negative, not even a slightest faint pink line that I hoped and prayed for... 

I used predictor for today's test and the results take 5 mins, 5 dreading long minutes I stood in the toilet of my workplace and waited... Each passing seconds dashed my hopes further... Holding the test stick in my hand, I tried my greatest might to scan the oval panel where no line = negative, pink or purple line = positive.

5 mins or longer I stood in the toilet and finally into the trash bin the test stick and so did my 13 bucks went. That was 1420hrs when I next looked at the clock.

At 1800hrs, I have a full bladder again, tummy feels hard and swell, I went to the toilet and guess what I saw: spotting. Yes, the saddest color to me now, red. The RED sorry truth has finally decided to show itself after all that had happened. Why does my body has to play this joke on me?

If menses do come tmrl, my ovulation period would have been the exact period when I contracted urinary tract infection which is when contact was abstained. And this is after the predicted ovulation calculation according to past months menstrual period.

Got it, it is so not meant to be. Calculate and tracking my periods or not, we always missed the fertile period for a valid reason or none.

Pple have been telling me not to stress over this issue but hey... you were the ones who are inevitably creating this internal stress in me by asking, "so are you planning?" "you should start planning for a family" and etc...

Now, I feel like a lousy woman. One who is infertile and could not perform my duty as a wife and mother. Life is this unfair, the beauty of pregnancy and a life is given to those who decides to abort or to kill the newborn but not those who pray and wish for one miracle.

To myself: Be brave. The tears and unhappiness shall stop here. No one shall know about this as no one can feel how I felt. I have no time for a mental breakdown or the least disappointment to show or reveal my sadness. 

龙年快乐!

It's the third day of the Lunar New Year.

To me, Lunar New Year celebration started on 除夕and ended after 年初一. The 'feel' of new year is just not there anymore. This year seems more than quiet and routine compared to the others. Perhaps it came a tad too fast. Following Christmas and New Year's celebration, I can hardly catch up with the partying, age slowers things, mentally and physically. As much as I wanted to maintain and keep up with the festive, I hardly have the 'power' to harness that determination. 有心而力不足。 Financially, I'm as usual - empty cups, sometimes, more than a burden to him. Married and grown, I'm an adult already, in fact, I'm approaching the great 30s, still I end up with a single digit in my bank account way before the next pay day. This is worrysome. And still, I hate work. Sometimes, I'm plain lazy, I feel, how can I be a good wife and mother, if I remained this way.

Harbouring the wish to get pregnant and be a mother, many a time, I consider myself unready.

There are a few reminders that I promptly thought to myself but yet to reap any achievements year after year:

1. Not to be late for work or any appts (I just can't wake up in the morning and work isnt at all encouraging and challenging, in fact, half the time, I'm trying to source for work to do, and well, holidays are over, it's time to wake up.)
2. Lose some weight for goodness sake, I'm constantly craving for sweeties
3. Correct my impatience
4. Control my temper 
5. Live a happier and more optimistic life
6. Accomplish something
7. Bathe promptly (I hate bathing for some phobia of getting stuck in the bathroom. Mad, I know)

The list isn't long, it's a matter of determination I know, and this is really the key that I cant harness, like a blocked sink.

After typing for a while now.. look at the blog title and my post... Aw... you know i'm contradictory, I want to be a happy person but my life is sad.

Even if I can't accomplish any of the above, I wish to be happier this year. Looking back at all those mistakes and fights that I have put up thus far, I tend to regret them. I regret that I haven't treated my friends sincerely, not that i really don't, just that I dont see a point, because, very often I'm either boring or watsoever, it's a one way traffic. Ah well, I'm going to do my best and at least, reduce that protective shield and learn to trust a bit, to give a honest front, even if I fall, this time next year, I will look back and smile, pat my own shoulders and tell myself, good job, Im happy.

A note to myself: learn to enjoy the process, the process is just as impt as the outcome. Without either, it's not gg to be complete, you are not gg to be happy too.

Wishing everyone, if there's anyone reading this, a smooth sailing, fulfilling, happy and safe Dragon year 2012.

Loves. xoxo.

The making of our nest

How do birds learn to make nest? What shapes, what colours, what materials, who told them?

We are in the midst of sourcing for an interior designer (ID) or contractor for our place and to make such a important decision, we have to gamble and do a trial and error, to think of that is stressful enough.

Money on the other hand is a inevitable factor as much as I wish I could ignore it. I mean a glamorous house would not lighten our burden or provide any comfort if that resulted in a huge load of baggage we have to shoulder thereafter.

No one could tell us a definite answer. We, yes, the owner and occupier of the place have to decide what we want, when neither of us, actually knows what we want.

What I really want is a cottage country house, but reality says no. In the end, I think we are going for the raw minimalist concept, and to scare myself, I started questioning if that is really what I wanted, yes, after meeting 2 designers and adding to about 5 hours of discussions, and with 1 proposal on today.

I appreciate IDs that questions to help us get the idea, and yet there are others who are oblivious and abrupt, like "if you don't tell me what you want, how do i know?". Erm, hey there, I thought I pay to engage your help, if I know, and I can design, I will do it myself. That amount of money would bring me lotsa Chanel than to throw it into space, silly. 

I wish this could be as easy as picking up random twigs. Then again, perhaps it's not so easy for them too.

When I see Red

With expectations and hopes, there're bound to be disappointments.

On the apparel, I told everyone that we are going with the flow, when the time come, we will be granted with offspring... It's not a matter of we want or we don't, even thou, yes, it is a decision factor of the latter, contraception is the key.

Internally, I'm in fact fighting and struggling the excitement from the waiting (the suspense can kill), and disappointments, the high hopes and the crashes when the red river flows, perhaps also the fear that arose from stories and hear say. Am I infertile? Is it genetic or is it the pills that I took earlier?

Well, even if it takes 2 to clap, others would hardly believe or conclude that the fault lies in the masculine factor, it has always been the female's fault, by default. Aww...

Anyway, at the same time, contradictorily, I'm also wondering if I have the ability of a mother and us as parents. His age factor was my concern too. I was told it comes naturally, and I hope it really do.

Till then, I will just have to
1) lie to myself that it doesn't matter. We will just wait and enjoy ourselves meanwhile.

My first pomfet

Fishes have been a fear for me, as much as I love watching them in the waters but that's as far as I can accept. When I was young, we kept 8 goldfishes at home. We had them since they were little and one day, they all jumped out of the tank, onto the floor and died. The reason of their action we concluded was due to poisoning from overdose of medication.

But dun be mistaken, I do eat fish, but I can't imagine, touching or washing them. My favourite: steamed pomfet, teochew style, steamed other fishes, hong kong style. How fresh they are.

And I was living in this denial till recent. Mother in law had to work part time at the G2000 sales and she bought a whole lot of fishes and kept them in the freezer. She was telling me that I could steam and cook it if I want to and have them for a simple meal. Once and twice, I managed to dodge, until one day, I was off, and this is it, my first, in fact, steamed pomfetS (I had 2).

The experience is horrible.

I had to touch and wash the pomfets even though mother had cleaned them. I cannot relate them to poultry which I have cleaned many a time. The skin was silver and shiny, pretty I find it to be.

Ingredients:
Ginger, stripped
Tomatos, wedged
Salted mustard veg, stripped (soak before use, if shortage of time, soak in hot water)
Salted plum for cooking
Water (if you want more sauce)
A dash of oil (to be add only after the fish is cooked)

Prepare all the ingredients. Rub salted plum around fish. Make 2 slits on each side of the fish. Add the rest of the ingredient on the side. Put some mustard veg under the fish to lift it up slighlty.

Set the water in wok to boil. Only put in the fish when water boils (I didn't know!).
Steam for 12 mins for ~a palm size fish.

The eye of the fish should pop out once cooked (but it didnt happen, and I ended up over steaming the fish)

Verdict: The meat was tough due to over steaming or not fresh as the fish has been stored in the freezer for some time. And the soup/sauce was a bit too salty.

I give myself a 4/10 (Arg!!!), 4 because it still taste ok, and it looks ok, ha.






At the same time, my husband prepared 2 brown dishes which I thought would be a failure, instead, were like hotcakes at the dining table :( tofu with bean sprouts and five spice pork cubes, minced meat with meat paste. Well, dun judge a book by its cover or should I say, they are a family, and I have no doubt about that.