This Friday, we spent time looking thru old photos. Time where everyone was around, time where everyone looked happy, smiled like a family, closed like one.
I can't help feeling the loss, of a loved one. In fact, two. Two impt members of the family, the once closely knitted family. There was a reason for everyone to gather, there were festivals, there were love. Now, I'm not quite sure, well, we lost the spirit at least. Festivals no longer feel like it, yes, we still gather but more of fomality. There's a certain tension btw we know who, you cant blame us. We only see each other less than 10 times a year.
I made a promise to my granny and I held my promise always, unless i'm bed ridden, else rain or shine, I will visit my aunt weekly. I hold on to my promise stubbornly cause this is probably the only one that I can manage to uphold. No one shall stand in my way, after all, it's the only time I unwind, a home I can fall on to, where I take off my mask and freely be me, where I can be ugly and still loved, where I can be like an angel.
I pray, I prayed to God, for God to hear my prayers, Please DON'T DON'T ever take anyone away from me again. There is so much I can take it, the fear, the loss, for 3 years have not leave me for one single day. If there is a need for someone to go, may that be me. My dear family, forgive me for my selfishness in this.
Last note, for others, a family may only consist of dad, mum and siblings. I'm glad to announce to all that MY FAMILY consists of all, grandparent, dad, mum, sister, aunts, uncles, cousins, closely knitted as once, thou we may drift now, but we will always be one, and this is something that I will always be proud of.
I may have pimples, poor skin, fat figure, lousy hair, but I have love that not many possess, love from a wonderful family.
Looking back, I regretted my life has turned out this way, it was all rosy and nice, why did I let it turn out this way. Thou it's almost impossible but I wish I could turn back time, I promise, I will live life better this time. Even if not so, pls let me have just one more time, one more hug from granny, just one, please. I would willingly give up 10 years of my life for just that one more hug, the photos and memories hurt me, it's so much that you needed to feel the person, the warmth, the touch, just once more.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Spooky or Magical
I ran thru my thoughts in bath and invented a story made up of various scenes from TV from my walks..da da da..
The story goes like I was teaching and after school, walking home from school. On my way, on the connecting bridge my tummy hurts, I was pregnant and the contractions were coming in waves, baby was coming. I shouted for help, wave frantically at the passing by vehicles, no one, no one saw me. There one of my stu saw me, Jenson, he immediately ordered daddy to pull over but daddy refused. He explained that he saw his teacher, Mrs Soon, me in pain, and that I'm pregnant, he wanted to help. Daddy attempted to drive faster, telling him to mind his own business. Their fight woke mummy who was sound asleep in the rear. The vehicle came to stop at the traffic light, Jenson undid his safety belt and came for me, with mummy running behind him.
"I'm glad you came back for me" I quickly instructed him to pick up and cell phone which I have earlier dropped while trying to make a call for the ambulance. He did as told and dial 911 (which is weird, it's 995 in singapore for the ambulance). The paramedics told him that they will be reaching in 2 mins time. They were already patrolling the area trying to find me, as my call for help was unfinished and the location weren't mentioned.
The paramedics were here and I gave birth to a baby girl in the ambulance.
I am grateful to Jenson, if not for him, I would have died.
I am lying on my bed with Jenson by my side, looking really worried. I assured him that all is well, and have him named my girl. He said Jane, or Jamie, then quickly ask for my opinion. I see that he wanted a name starting with "J". I suggested Jade, which I can incoporate into her chinese name, yu ting, yu ling, ting yu.. da.da.da.. Jenson liked my suggestion and added that he save my girl and now he named my girl, perhaps he would marry my girl in the future...
My thots wonder...
If I were to have a son later on, what should I name him? Yu Jie (sounds tad like a girls' name), Yu shu... hmmm..
I finished my bath, went to my room, turn on the radio.. and on YES 93.3, Chong Qing just answered someone's call. The caller was Yu Jie. YU JIE!!! Deja Vu. Spooky. And as the conversation goes on, Chong Qing admitted that he did thought that this is a girl's name.
Goodness me. What can I say?
I can read the future. Coincidence seems too minor for such.
The story goes like I was teaching and after school, walking home from school. On my way, on the connecting bridge my tummy hurts, I was pregnant and the contractions were coming in waves, baby was coming. I shouted for help, wave frantically at the passing by vehicles, no one, no one saw me. There one of my stu saw me, Jenson, he immediately ordered daddy to pull over but daddy refused. He explained that he saw his teacher, Mrs Soon, me in pain, and that I'm pregnant, he wanted to help. Daddy attempted to drive faster, telling him to mind his own business. Their fight woke mummy who was sound asleep in the rear. The vehicle came to stop at the traffic light, Jenson undid his safety belt and came for me, with mummy running behind him.
"I'm glad you came back for me" I quickly instructed him to pick up and cell phone which I have earlier dropped while trying to make a call for the ambulance. He did as told and dial 911 (which is weird, it's 995 in singapore for the ambulance). The paramedics told him that they will be reaching in 2 mins time. They were already patrolling the area trying to find me, as my call for help was unfinished and the location weren't mentioned.
The paramedics were here and I gave birth to a baby girl in the ambulance.
I am grateful to Jenson, if not for him, I would have died.
I am lying on my bed with Jenson by my side, looking really worried. I assured him that all is well, and have him named my girl. He said Jane, or Jamie, then quickly ask for my opinion. I see that he wanted a name starting with "J". I suggested Jade, which I can incoporate into her chinese name, yu ting, yu ling, ting yu.. da.da.da.. Jenson liked my suggestion and added that he save my girl and now he named my girl, perhaps he would marry my girl in the future...
My thots wonder...
If I were to have a son later on, what should I name him? Yu Jie (sounds tad like a girls' name), Yu shu... hmmm..
I finished my bath, went to my room, turn on the radio.. and on YES 93.3, Chong Qing just answered someone's call. The caller was Yu Jie. YU JIE!!! Deja Vu. Spooky. And as the conversation goes on, Chong Qing admitted that he did thought that this is a girl's name.
Goodness me. What can I say?
I can read the future. Coincidence seems too minor for such.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
My World is collapsing
Yes, luckily I still have your love.
Work has been crazy, I dun know how to discribe it, working in a govt organisation, Eeks! Endless procedures & meetings, aimless conversation, overview, skeletons, minutes of meeting, emails, tai-chi, well what can I say.
I am trying to purchase a rental photocopier, for 3 days, and counting. Countless calls I have made but 0 answers. Everyone can only bother to inform me what I just found out to be the last step of the procedure. Goodness, I'm only here for close to a month, can they talk sense?
No wonder and no joke that's the favourite Tai-Chi that they practiced. And one month into it, I start to hate this place. Yes, I used the word Hate.
I love the environment I'm in, an office for myself, by myself. But perhaps, that's about it. Oh, maybe the work hours too. I get to see and feel sunlight! Woopi!
Thots of resignation filled me by half, shaken by the Challenge. Before claiming the chickened out title, I would like to add, there's no one to guide you along, and thou there are many procedures hanging in the air, yes, in the air, cause none of them set in. Pple trying their best to side track and do short cuts. Proper procedures I would say is to have something pen in black and white from A to Z, like a dummy guide, please dun assume that everyone who steps into this place knows A to X and you only supply the minimal Y & Z. It's scary and frustrating. And the BIG-est problem is... I can't bring myself to resign, after all, the colleagues and bosses (erm) here rather nice, and they have spend time going thru work and stuffs with me... I wasted their time. Others were all telling me how good the job is, the career prospect of a senior officer blah blah blah.. I didn't dare to tell, but I'm not an ambitious person, at least I would say, I rather prefer a normal admin position, seriously. Lastly, I HATE MINUTES!!! If only I could scream this out loud. AHHHHHHH!
Work has been crazy, I dun know how to discribe it, working in a govt organisation, Eeks! Endless procedures & meetings, aimless conversation, overview, skeletons, minutes of meeting, emails, tai-chi, well what can I say.
I am trying to purchase a rental photocopier, for 3 days, and counting. Countless calls I have made but 0 answers. Everyone can only bother to inform me what I just found out to be the last step of the procedure. Goodness, I'm only here for close to a month, can they talk sense?
No wonder and no joke that's the favourite Tai-Chi that they practiced. And one month into it, I start to hate this place. Yes, I used the word Hate.
I love the environment I'm in, an office for myself, by myself. But perhaps, that's about it. Oh, maybe the work hours too. I get to see and feel sunlight! Woopi!
Thots of resignation filled me by half, shaken by the Challenge. Before claiming the chickened out title, I would like to add, there's no one to guide you along, and thou there are many procedures hanging in the air, yes, in the air, cause none of them set in. Pple trying their best to side track and do short cuts. Proper procedures I would say is to have something pen in black and white from A to Z, like a dummy guide, please dun assume that everyone who steps into this place knows A to X and you only supply the minimal Y & Z. It's scary and frustrating. And the BIG-est problem is... I can't bring myself to resign, after all, the colleagues and bosses (erm) here rather nice, and they have spend time going thru work and stuffs with me... I wasted their time. Others were all telling me how good the job is, the career prospect of a senior officer blah blah blah.. I didn't dare to tell, but I'm not an ambitious person, at least I would say, I rather prefer a normal admin position, seriously. Lastly, I HATE MINUTES!!! If only I could scream this out loud. AHHHHHHH!
Ah, till here, off for lunch and thank God it's Friday, the day I looked forward to eagerly.
PS: Can't it be decided and written on our birth cert what job are we suppose to embark on which day and year, can't we be programmed like robots do? Since they have already pre-determined so much of our life - looks, life span, family, wealth and health. Humans are given choices, a bit too many, but yet decision making is not a born capability, it has to be a skill you pick up from a classroom. Great.
DA angry WITCH
PS: Can't it be decided and written on our birth cert what job are we suppose to embark on which day and year, can't we be programmed like robots do? Since they have already pre-determined so much of our life - looks, life span, family, wealth and health. Humans are given choices, a bit too many, but yet decision making is not a born capability, it has to be a skill you pick up from a classroom. Great.
DA angry WITCH
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