Havent been sleeping well, since that day. I'm not sure if the worries have caused me to stay awake or that I have been sleeping irregularly. Everynight I would toss and turn till day break before I could fall asleep.
Last night I thought of granny. How I wish all these were just a dream. I can wake up and run to her again like a small girl. Run into her arms calling ah mah ah mah, I dun recall ever doing so. As a child, I was very definant. I talked back to her, I hated her when she scolded me. And now, I hate myself. Why? Why did I do that? Why did I do that? Why Why Why Why Why? How I wish I can turn back time? Please let me go back. Please. I will do better. I promise. I want to love her more. Please.
Tonight, I quarelled with him, I don't know why did I do that. I'm angry, i'm frustrated that knowing I'm unwell, he did not care about me, all he did was to call me, upteen times, to ask how am I feeling. I wasn't as ill as to be bed riden but I'm upset, with myself. When did I become like that? When did I let myself become like that? I lost all energy to do anything, I only want to waste time, rot at home, simply doing nothing, not going anyway, dun want to talk to anyone, just myself. I dun want anyone to care about me, I hate concern, my parents living with me, didn't even know if anything is happening to me. Everytime something happened to him, he will hide away, he will cry and I have to pacify him, his family has to pacify him. I'm sure this is my responsibility as a wife, but, how many times do I need to do this? The accident, it takes so long for him to move out of the shadow, even now, he kept mentioning it, then the exam, he took more than half a year to study for it, now glad that everything is over, just as I thought, just as I thought we can sit and plan on our matters, things have to happen again. One bigger than the other. It's like a test heaven put on me, asking, hey when are you going to give up? I'm tired, I feel like running away from all these too. I see my friends getting married, married, pregnant, everyone seems to be happy with their life but why is mine always laden with problems, one after another, one bigger than another? If I'm the jinx, I would rather let you go, I would not love again, I dun want to go on hoping and waiting. The feeling is terrible. I would rather tell myself there is no more hope, and stop pinning and waiting. Waiting is lethal. I feel myself drowning. I dunno how long more can I lend you my support. I really need you to stand up and protect me, not the vice versa. I hate this feeling. I hate whatever I am going through. Yes, we pray and pray, we wait in misery. If it's a good ending, yes, it ends here, if it's a bad one? How long more this have to go on? How long more must I live in guilt and misery with you? I am badly affected by this and I can't move on. I feel sad, I feel clastrophobic. My friends are too busy to accompany me, sister has to attend school, my parents won't care more, and you hid at home. You are not at fault, I know, you feel guilty, yes you must, it's your mistake and everyone makes mistake, so you are not at fault. But I dun understand is it that whenever you make a mistake you must live in guilt, torture yourself, coop at home, then it means that you know you are in the wrong and you repent.
I dunno. I dun wish to comment. I'm not like you. All I think and know is play. I feel like dying because there is nothing in this world that I pin my hope on. I hate life because my life is stuck here, I can't move on, I can't move on. I step and I fall, everyone esle moved on, and I stay. Every relationship, you bound to make me fail because of money. No money can't get marry, so you make it that we forever can't save up to get married, why not you just kill me, isn't that faster?
As I am writing this, mum is cursing away at me and my sis. I really don't understand why mum wanted to have us in the first place. She's always cursing us getting retribution, and all sorts of bad ways. Yesterday was her off day, all she did the whole day was to watch DVD, refused to cook, refused to do any housework. I saw my dad rushing through all these right after work. He cooked dinner quickly, put the clothes to wash, then iron clothes, then wash the pots and dishes. He said mum and him will go have dinner later but we forced him to eat some of the rice first, knowing mum's habits. Indeed, the dinner never came, she bathed, suggested to stay home for dinner, make dad cook porridge then went back to watch DVD. They stayed in the room and only until 11pm when sis came back and asked them to eat, then she stopped. Mind you, dad has a history of gastric ulcer. WHEN IS SHE GOING TO STOP??????????????????? I feel like smashing the TV into pieces. If anything is to happen to dad, I will leave this family immediately, leave her to suffer. I dun need a mother who is not fit to be. All she knew is to work and earn money! She said that she's tired after work, you mean dad is not tired? She forced him to go out late, watch DVD until wee hours, wake him up to switch off the light and tv for her. I cant stand her anymore! All I can do is to watch dad suffers.
All of these are getting to me, I really feel depressed, I really feel depressed. I feel like dying, my life is stuck here, all these are changing me, I really hate everything. I only want granny, I only want granny. Let me go .............................................................................................................................................................................................
I really need you to be by my side, and yet, I can only put up a strong front to avoid being a burden to you. I dunno how long I can last.
