Get over it already. Easier said than done. Going to the 3rd month from the op.
Every little thing sparks a tear. Every now and then, the thought raises from it’s hiding place and revoke the unhappiness I have been trying to hide. I hope it didn’t happen. I wish it didn’t happen. I’d rather it didn’t happen. Why me?
Everyone else got on with it. Blissful smiles, lovely bump. But it didn’t work for me, in the worst way. No matter how much I tell myself that it’s okay, it is not. It’s the most misfortunate thing I can imagine. 1 out of 100,000 cases, and it happened to me. How ridiculous.
Whenever I see a child, a pregnant woman, even an advertisement on pregnancy or baby goods, I felt my heart sank, I felt a burning attention on me. Everyone tries their best not to mention a thing or breathe a breath or ask a thing but it just doesn’t go away.
Please let go, let go of me I ask of my memories. Please help me.
The only consolation will be a healthy child if I ever have one.
Monday, November 5, 2012
1 out of 100,000
Finally on 13 July 2012, it's positive! I couldnt believe my eyes. I'm 1 week late. And this date is a special day for us. The day we got together. Sweet.
This happiness took us on a roller coaster ride that lasted for a mere 11 weeks. Tears, panic, fears and all.
On the 12th weeks, we are almost there. Finally the time has come for us to announce our joy. Yet, joy no more. It's the start of our mental dismay and torture. I went for the detailed anomaly scan alone as he was on course. And it was the first time I went for a obst check myself. He was there for me all along. And this one time, was the most unfortunate. I broke down when Dr told us we had abnormal babies. You read it right, babies, we had conjoined twins. Twins, how could it be? We had no history. Conjoined? The internet reported 1 in every 100,000 pregnancies. And it happened to me??? what are the chances?
We didnt believe. We hope it was wrong. The machine is faulty. Please.
We went for a second opinion. Worst. We were told that our babies are not normal and they had a bubble on their neck. And these should have been detected earlier. We crashed. All hopes diminished. We made plans for termination. I ate raw salmon which I craved but could not eat any raw food as I was pregnant. I am convinced that these are some monsters not my babies. What have I done wrong to have to kill my own babies? There wasn't an option. Keeping them has no good.
I went for the op. I didnt feel a thing and couldnt recall a thing. The last I heard was breathe in slowly... and I was gone. The last I told my babies, go, go now, reincarnate as proper babies, perhaps we are not fated to be. When I next woke up, they told me everything is ok now. I bleed.
Concern people started pouring in. "You are still young."..... etc. I know the intentions are good. But..but i needed the space. I need everyone to stop being concern, your concern hurts. I dont wish to hear anything about it, talk about it or anything to do with it. Chapter close. Shut it. Bury it. No more. I tried my best to push every possible image and thoughts to somewhere at the very bottom and darkest corner of my heart. I threw away everything, the u/s images, the baby goods...etc.
It is no good. No matter how much I wish it never happen, I remembered every image, every detail, every words, every tear. It will never heal.
This happiness took us on a roller coaster ride that lasted for a mere 11 weeks. Tears, panic, fears and all.
On the 12th weeks, we are almost there. Finally the time has come for us to announce our joy. Yet, joy no more. It's the start of our mental dismay and torture. I went for the detailed anomaly scan alone as he was on course. And it was the first time I went for a obst check myself. He was there for me all along. And this one time, was the most unfortunate. I broke down when Dr told us we had abnormal babies. You read it right, babies, we had conjoined twins. Twins, how could it be? We had no history. Conjoined? The internet reported 1 in every 100,000 pregnancies. And it happened to me??? what are the chances?
We didnt believe. We hope it was wrong. The machine is faulty. Please.
We went for a second opinion. Worst. We were told that our babies are not normal and they had a bubble on their neck. And these should have been detected earlier. We crashed. All hopes diminished. We made plans for termination. I ate raw salmon which I craved but could not eat any raw food as I was pregnant. I am convinced that these are some monsters not my babies. What have I done wrong to have to kill my own babies? There wasn't an option. Keeping them has no good.
I went for the op. I didnt feel a thing and couldnt recall a thing. The last I heard was breathe in slowly... and I was gone. The last I told my babies, go, go now, reincarnate as proper babies, perhaps we are not fated to be. When I next woke up, they told me everything is ok now. I bleed.
Concern people started pouring in. "You are still young."..... etc. I know the intentions are good. But..but i needed the space. I need everyone to stop being concern, your concern hurts. I dont wish to hear anything about it, talk about it or anything to do with it. Chapter close. Shut it. Bury it. No more. I tried my best to push every possible image and thoughts to somewhere at the very bottom and darkest corner of my heart. I threw away everything, the u/s images, the baby goods...etc.
It is no good. No matter how much I wish it never happen, I remembered every image, every detail, every words, every tear. It will never heal.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
A total disppointment which should not happen
I tested negative today.
Menses was 2 days late.. in fact the latest in the past 4 months which I have been tracking. I thought there was hope, and this "hope" was held high and mentally, I am already prepared for a positive result, I was 70% certain, yes, it'll be a plus. BUT, no, the results was not. It was a flat negative, not even a slightest faint pink line that I hoped and prayed for...
I used predictor for today's test and the results take 5 mins, 5 dreading long minutes I stood in the toilet of my workplace and waited... Each passing seconds dashed my hopes further... Holding the test stick in my hand, I tried my greatest might to scan the oval panel where no line = negative, pink or purple line = positive.
5 mins or longer I stood in the toilet and finally into the trash bin the test stick and so did my 13 bucks went. That was 1420hrs when I next looked at the clock.
At 1800hrs, I have a full bladder again, tummy feels hard and swell, I went to the toilet and guess what I saw: spotting. Yes, the saddest color to me now, red. The RED sorry truth has finally decided to show itself after all that had happened. Why does my body has to play this joke on me?
If menses do come tmrl, my ovulation period would have been the exact period when I contracted urinary tract infection which is when contact was abstained. And this is after the predicted ovulation calculation according to past months menstrual period.
Got it, it is so not meant to be. Calculate and tracking my periods or not, we always missed the fertile period for a valid reason or none.
Pple have been telling me not to stress over this issue but hey... you were the ones who are inevitably creating this internal stress in me by asking, "so are you planning?" "you should start planning for a family" and etc...
Now, I feel like a lousy woman. One who is infertile and could not perform my duty as a wife and mother. Life is this unfair, the beauty of pregnancy and a life is given to those who decides to abort or to kill the newborn but not those who pray and wish for one miracle.
To myself: Be brave. The tears and unhappiness shall stop here. No one shall know about this as no one can feel how I felt. I have no time for a mental breakdown or the least disappointment to show or reveal my sadness.
Menses was 2 days late.. in fact the latest in the past 4 months which I have been tracking. I thought there was hope, and this "hope" was held high and mentally, I am already prepared for a positive result, I was 70% certain, yes, it'll be a plus. BUT, no, the results was not. It was a flat negative, not even a slightest faint pink line that I hoped and prayed for...
I used predictor for today's test and the results take 5 mins, 5 dreading long minutes I stood in the toilet of my workplace and waited... Each passing seconds dashed my hopes further... Holding the test stick in my hand, I tried my greatest might to scan the oval panel where no line = negative, pink or purple line = positive.
5 mins or longer I stood in the toilet and finally into the trash bin the test stick and so did my 13 bucks went. That was 1420hrs when I next looked at the clock.
At 1800hrs, I have a full bladder again, tummy feels hard and swell, I went to the toilet and guess what I saw: spotting. Yes, the saddest color to me now, red. The RED sorry truth has finally decided to show itself after all that had happened. Why does my body has to play this joke on me?
If menses do come tmrl, my ovulation period would have been the exact period when I contracted urinary tract infection which is when contact was abstained. And this is after the predicted ovulation calculation according to past months menstrual period.
Got it, it is so not meant to be. Calculate and tracking my periods or not, we always missed the fertile period for a valid reason or none.
Pple have been telling me not to stress over this issue but hey... you were the ones who are inevitably creating this internal stress in me by asking, "so are you planning?" "you should start planning for a family" and etc...
Now, I feel like a lousy woman. One who is infertile and could not perform my duty as a wife and mother. Life is this unfair, the beauty of pregnancy and a life is given to those who decides to abort or to kill the newborn but not those who pray and wish for one miracle.
To myself: Be brave. The tears and unhappiness shall stop here. No one shall know about this as no one can feel how I felt. I have no time for a mental breakdown or the least disappointment to show or reveal my sadness.
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