It's gonna be my big day and my big year 2011. Finally, as the song goes, I'm finally getting married.
Yet, all that I have imagined and pictured beautifully for my day came crushing down as soon as the announcement is made. All the unnecessary suggestions and advice flood in and immediately replace the picture with the most tiring day or clown day. Yes, it's my performance day.
Sometimes, I really dun understand Chinese. It's hard to. The customs, the flaunting of your riches, the stubbornness and etc..
Can't it be a day we make our choices and celebrate our love? After all, it's our day, the day we remember for our lives, the day we have each other in our lives, the day we begin as us, seriously what is it that really has got to do with you???
The tremendous pressure weighs heavily on my shoulders, makes me breathless, makes me want to abandon and escape. It's that bad. They have a share of their day, and now they want to make ours like theirs :(
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Compassionate???
Abstract from dictionary.com:
Compassionate
-adjective
1. having or showing compassion: a compassionate person; a compassionate letter.
–noun
2. a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.
The word we were told how this place works. Perhaps the person who told us that got the meaning of the word mixed up. In what way is this place a compassionate one??? Cause no one is and I sort of feel cheated.
Every work day, I woke up with a tired heart. The heart to believe that this is the place that i'm going to stay for 42 hours a week x ? years. With just 5 admin players in the team, the politics can be equivalent to that of a 50 pax volume. Every single day. Yes, you are right that every work place has politics and I just could not understand why. Shouldn't we make a place that we may stay more than we are at home, a place like home? Why must you turn it into a war ground? Because of the invisible yet invincible ladder and mighty lord $$$? Does it really make you happier by destroying others? Every single day, I get more and more caution over my work, checked that i'm not stabbed or wait for others to come to you, hey you have been stabbed. Human beings have a brain that is too complex to decipher and a heart that can be wicked but a face that's angelic to lie and cover.
Reminder to self: work is only a small part of life, dun sweat over the smallest things, you have better things to do than to fall into the corporate trap that many others have set specially for you. Good Day myself. Defense up. "Friends"? No thanks.
Compassionate
-adjective
1. having or showing compassion: a compassionate person; a compassionate letter.
–noun
2. a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.
The word we were told how this place works. Perhaps the person who told us that got the meaning of the word mixed up. In what way is this place a compassionate one??? Cause no one is and I sort of feel cheated.
Every work day, I woke up with a tired heart. The heart to believe that this is the place that i'm going to stay for 42 hours a week x ? years. With just 5 admin players in the team, the politics can be equivalent to that of a 50 pax volume. Every single day. Yes, you are right that every work place has politics and I just could not understand why. Shouldn't we make a place that we may stay more than we are at home, a place like home? Why must you turn it into a war ground? Because of the invisible yet invincible ladder and mighty lord $$$? Does it really make you happier by destroying others? Every single day, I get more and more caution over my work, checked that i'm not stabbed or wait for others to come to you, hey you have been stabbed. Human beings have a brain that is too complex to decipher and a heart that can be wicked but a face that's angelic to lie and cover.
Reminder to self: work is only a small part of life, dun sweat over the smallest things, you have better things to do than to fall into the corporate trap that many others have set specially for you. Good Day myself. Defense up. "Friends"? No thanks.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Emotionally OFF
We celebrated the first birthday of our precious baby.
I wonder how many pple out there were thinking or thought that we are crazy. Wadever! We just like it and we feel right about it, why not. I grew tired to think of what others think and what others say. It's as if I'm living for another. It is going to be difficult, I grew up in shame and under so much criticism from others, without my parents standing up for me, without a brother or sister to protect me. Verbal abuse is the word I learnt later to describe what I went through.
I grew up to be a person who is very sensitive to my surroundings and of low self esteem and confidence. I seek shelter in what I thought is love. Bury myself so deep into those relationship I now deemed myself as stupid and childish. What do I know of love? Why did I allow myself to sell my dignity? I still remember once when my late uncle asked me "you are so young, what do you know of love?" And my aunt in law said, "that's puppy love, ignore him." Now I understand his question, I wished I have listened to him, what did I know of love? Nothin. I was so stubborn at that time, and I revolved my world around a person whom is not even a family member, wasted my time, my precious time with granny, if only I can turn back time, I would not have chose that path. Things will perhaps be different now.
I lived my life with regrets, trying hard to tell myself, look forth and not back, but in vain. I like to live in history feeling remorseful and upset than to walk towards that beautiful sight waiting for me. Perhaps I will only be able to reach that wonderful place when It becomes another regretful history.
Sometimes I felt mentally unstable. I felt as if i'm suffering from depression. Sometimes, I felt trapped in a corner. Sometimes, I felt frustrated so frustrated that i'm afraid i might break down and start shouting in public. Sometimes, I felt extremely sad that I feel like dying. Sometimes, I felt overwhelmed that the world started twirling and my hands trembled in cold. My muscle seems to be out of control.
When can I be myself? When can I let myself go? When can I free myself from my internal prison? Or when will I finally break down and go crazy?
Take things easy. Easier said than done when the world is pressing so hard on you. When everything you see becomes a money symbol. When you have more and more work. And the more you work, the more you wonder, what's the point when every month, you are still struggling hard with the bills, and daily living. But you know you can't stop, you have to work because if you don't, nobody will forgive you, nobody is going to accommodate and comfort you, nobody will be nice and tell you that it's ok.
I feel like running, running away from all these. It's so horrible that I feel like dropping it and run away. Running away always seem like a easier option than facing it. Simply because it is never ending. Facing it would means braving thru wave after wave, don't think that it is going to stop after one, because it wont.
Perhaps acting blur and stupid would earn lesser job, better friendship and would be an easier and more likeable option to escape. Or should I bravely stand up and defend myself? We shall see at the next increment exercise.
I wonder how many pple out there were thinking or thought that we are crazy. Wadever! We just like it and we feel right about it, why not. I grew tired to think of what others think and what others say. It's as if I'm living for another. It is going to be difficult, I grew up in shame and under so much criticism from others, without my parents standing up for me, without a brother or sister to protect me. Verbal abuse is the word I learnt later to describe what I went through.
I grew up to be a person who is very sensitive to my surroundings and of low self esteem and confidence. I seek shelter in what I thought is love. Bury myself so deep into those relationship I now deemed myself as stupid and childish. What do I know of love? Why did I allow myself to sell my dignity? I still remember once when my late uncle asked me "you are so young, what do you know of love?" And my aunt in law said, "that's puppy love, ignore him." Now I understand his question, I wished I have listened to him, what did I know of love? Nothin. I was so stubborn at that time, and I revolved my world around a person whom is not even a family member, wasted my time, my precious time with granny, if only I can turn back time, I would not have chose that path. Things will perhaps be different now.
I lived my life with regrets, trying hard to tell myself, look forth and not back, but in vain. I like to live in history feeling remorseful and upset than to walk towards that beautiful sight waiting for me. Perhaps I will only be able to reach that wonderful place when It becomes another regretful history.
Sometimes I felt mentally unstable. I felt as if i'm suffering from depression. Sometimes, I felt trapped in a corner. Sometimes, I felt frustrated so frustrated that i'm afraid i might break down and start shouting in public. Sometimes, I felt extremely sad that I feel like dying. Sometimes, I felt overwhelmed that the world started twirling and my hands trembled in cold. My muscle seems to be out of control.
When can I be myself? When can I let myself go? When can I free myself from my internal prison? Or when will I finally break down and go crazy?
Take things easy. Easier said than done when the world is pressing so hard on you. When everything you see becomes a money symbol. When you have more and more work. And the more you work, the more you wonder, what's the point when every month, you are still struggling hard with the bills, and daily living. But you know you can't stop, you have to work because if you don't, nobody will forgive you, nobody is going to accommodate and comfort you, nobody will be nice and tell you that it's ok.
I feel like running, running away from all these. It's so horrible that I feel like dropping it and run away. Running away always seem like a easier option than facing it. Simply because it is never ending. Facing it would means braving thru wave after wave, don't think that it is going to stop after one, because it wont.
Perhaps acting blur and stupid would earn lesser job, better friendship and would be an easier and more likeable option to escape. Or should I bravely stand up and defend myself? We shall see at the next increment exercise.
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