Emotionally OFF

We celebrated the first birthday of our precious baby.

I wonder how many pple out there were thinking or thought that we are crazy. Wadever! We just like it and we feel right about it, why not. I grew tired to think of what others think and what others say. It's as if I'm living for another. It is going to be difficult, I grew up in shame and under so much criticism from others, without my parents standing up for me, without a brother or sister to protect me. Verbal abuse is the word I learnt later to describe what I went through.

I grew up to be a person who is very sensitive to my surroundings and of low self esteem and confidence. I seek shelter in what I thought is love. Bury myself so deep into those relationship I now deemed myself as stupid and childish. What do I know of love? Why did I allow myself to sell my dignity? I still remember once when my late uncle asked me "you are so young, what do you know of love?" And my aunt in law said, "that's puppy love, ignore him." Now I understand his question, I wished I have listened to him, what did I know of love? Nothin. I was so stubborn at that time, and I revolved my world around a person whom is not even a family member, wasted my time, my precious time with granny, if only I can turn back time, I would not have chose that path. Things will perhaps be different now.

I lived my life with regrets, trying hard to tell myself, look forth and not back, but in vain. I like to live in history feeling remorseful and upset than to walk towards that beautiful sight waiting for me. Perhaps I will only be able to reach that wonderful place when It becomes another regretful history.

Sometimes I felt mentally unstable. I felt as if i'm suffering from depression. Sometimes, I felt trapped in a corner. Sometimes, I felt frustrated so frustrated that i'm afraid i might break down and start shouting in public. Sometimes, I felt extremely sad that I feel like dying. Sometimes, I felt overwhelmed that the world started twirling and my hands trembled in cold. My muscle seems to be out of control.

When can I be myself? When can I let myself go? When can I free myself from my internal prison? Or when will I finally break down and go crazy?

Take things easy. Easier said than done when the world is pressing so hard on you. When everything you see becomes a money symbol. When you have more and more work. And the more you work, the more you wonder, what's the point when every month, you are still struggling hard with the bills, and daily living. But you know you can't stop, you have to work because if you don't, nobody will forgive you, nobody is going to accommodate and comfort you, nobody will be nice and tell you that it's ok.

I feel like running, running away from all these. It's so horrible that I feel like dropping it and run away. Running away always seem like a easier option than facing it. Simply because it is never ending. Facing it would means braving thru wave after wave, don't think that it is going to stop after one, because it wont.

Perhaps acting blur and stupid would earn lesser job, better friendship and would be an easier and more likeable option to escape. Or should I bravely stand up and defend myself? We shall see at the next increment exercise.

白事

I attended 2 funerals in the month of August 2010. The 7th lunar month. It is a month of increased death rate I thought. Everywhere it is.

I felt numb. Numb to grieve.

Humans are such fragile beings, susceptible to tons of known or unknown diseases, illnesses, accidents, disasters and whatever else. Almost anything can take us away anytime.

We may chat and laugh happily now, and the next moment, he/she is gone, like FOREVER. I still cannot comprehend the life processes. A real physical form standing right in front of you, filled with emotions and feelings, with thousands of nerve endings, intelligent or not, self aware of himself/herself, takes up space and breathes in air, made up of millions of living cells and inflict reactions and feelings of others causing chain reactions in the world, can just disappear from this dimension and reduced to ashes in one flame. Who invented cremation? Not that it will be any better with the burial option.

You took the person away from this dimension, but who is going to take the memories created with the person in it?

My granny said, when a person dies, he’s gone, leaving the sufferings to those who live on.

There’s something else that puzzled me.

During the funeral ritual, the priest said, once you(referring to the deceased) crossed the bridge, all ties will be cut and forgotten, I’m not sure which bridge, but what puzzles me is that, if all is forgotten, do they remember us when we offer our prayers?

For as long as I live, I wish to remember them, no matter if grieve is what it brings along or comfort that it gives to the heart, it’s part of me.

why is life so unfair

It's every so often that I find myself asking this question: why is life so unfair?

The more I asked, the more I pacify myself to stop asking, treasure what I have and instead of comparing with the great and mighty, I should see myself being lucky, at least I am fed and clothed, but the more I felt frustrated and unjust. It's easy to say than to actually take in the thoughts.

Religions believers will tell you that it is the karma from your last life that decide how your life now is, wealthy or poor, happy or upset, healthy or sickly. Isn't that already unfair? I hate circumstances like this, whereby you have no control to change anything. Punishment should be right on the spot, and not wait till next life or later. Similarly, if there is anything unhappy about what I did, I would wish to be told right on the spot, at least I could choose and make a choice there and then to correct the mistake, rather than to be told eons later, after numerous of the similar mistakes have been made, and at a point whereby apology seems redundant, and regret stays in your heart. Or have I mistaken? Regret is the supposing punishment.

And I am suppose to incur good deeds this life so that my next will be better, then again who can tell me if this is confirmed, as in, next life? What and where will I be? I find it hard to work for an empty illusion. Similarly, for afterlife, some said you will be punish and banish to hell for your bad doings. Why then? Why do the bad and evil get their way and wealth now and punish in the mentioned hell later, and the poor to suffer in misery now and perhaps heaven if they have incur enough good deeds?

I have nothing against the religions, it is a set of beliefs set for the followers to follow, and in turns guide their doings, principles and morals, ideally. Obviously, there are plenty out there who claimed to be staunch believers but act differently from what they preached. We are humans, afterall that's why we are still here and not in heaven, har?